Tonight

“It’s not about me. My life is about God.”

I have said this in my head many times. I’ve claimed to believe it. I’ve made choices that convince both myself and others that I believe it. 

Yet every time I am faced with a strong, personal trial, I become inward, self-consumed, and frustrated with God. I whine and complain and wrestle and beg for Him to take the trial away. More often then I’d like to admit, I wallow in self-pity and pride. 

I’ve been reading a book called “Bruchko”, by Bruce Olson. This book is Bruce’s story written in his own words. I’ve been in simultaneous wonder and irritation with God over many of the things that He allowed Bruce Olson to go through in order to reach a completely primitive and untouched tribe of people in Columbia. Yet I’ve also been completely amazed and encouraged by the way God miraculously worked through this man time and time again. I’ve found myself drawn to the power and glory of God that is displayed through this man’s life. 

I returned to this book tonight when I found myself again confined to my bed. While this might sound like a welcome comfort, the reason I was in bed at 7pm was due to pain. It seemed like the pain had been improving a bit the past couple of days... I was going to write a blog post tonight about the vital importance of living in community, and some of the related things the Lord has been teaching me. But as I instinctively reached out to catch my baby from falling as he tried to climb into the bathtub, I felt the pull and twist and sharp pain in my lower back. Immediately I knew that I had just undone a week’s worth of healing. Tears from both pain and complete frustration came and I attempted to blink them away. I’ve been trying SO hard to measure every movement, weigh every activity, rely on others, wear my brace, ask for help, and rest when able. I was told by a beautiful and godly physical therapist (who just happened to be visiting Mbingo!) this week that I need to let my body heal from some possible minor injury, and then be very careful to not overdo things. She said that this pelvic instability and pain is likely caused by an overproduction of relaxin hormone in this pregnancy, and that I will need to take good care of myself so that I don’t end up with an actual injury. At almost 16 weeks along with this new baby, 40 weeks feels far away when I think of trying to baby myself while taking care of two toddler boys, living in Africa, and then moving back to the US in a few months. 

Since I had no choice but to physically stop and rest, I picked up “Bruchko” and continued reading while Jason finished the boys’ baths and put them to bed (praise God that Jason was home and is so willing to help!). But as I continued reading, I felt my frustration and confusion mounting. My emotions rose and fell with Bruce Olson as he described the anticipation of his upcoming marriage, only to have his fiancé killed in a car accident just weeks before the wedding. Then he loses his closest and best friend to murder just a few weeks after that. I felt the injustice and unfairness of this man’s life welling up in me. 

“Lord, this man suffered SO much for You and Your Word, why didn’t you at least let him have a beautiful marriage?! And why would you let his only close friend be killed when they were serving you together?”

I’ve felt a lot of similar things lately as I’ve been reading through Jeremiah in Scripture. It is easy for me to get distracted from what God was doing in an entire nation by the suffering and pain that He was allowing in His faithful servant’s life. 

These feelings have also been creeping up a bit lately as I watch my dear husband struggle with the weight of the disease and death that he sees daily. The many and varied challenges of the past couple months have been especially heavy. Life has just been hard and he is tired. So when I prayed for specific encouragement for him, and his news at lunch was that another patient died, I found myself again confused and frustrated.

“Lord, could you not have saved this patient for so many good reasons?! For their own sake, their family, and also for the joy and encouragement of my husband and the other healthcare workers?”

Despite my confused thoughts and emotions this evening, I couldn’t put Bruce Olson’s autobiography down. I continued reading it until the end. It ‘ends’ with him remaining in the jungle - - with disease, loneliness, and danger as his constant companions. Yet the book then follows with several pages of all the transformation and development that happened throughout the nation of Columbia that is directly related to God’s redemption of the Motilone people. The realization suddenly hit me that this book is not about Bruce Olson, but about God. 

Just like Paul in the New Testament, Bruce Olson’s genuine prayer was for God to use his life for His own glory and purposes. He longed most for God to be displayed through him - - and what a beautiful display it is. No, God didn’t give him health, fortune, or comfort, but He gave him both an eternal and earthly legacy that is beyond comparison. 

What if I could truly see life this way?

What if I actually believed that my life is all about God?? 

What if I trusted that God’s heart is good, and that His intentions for me and my family are for good? Not the kind of good that guarantees our earthly definitions of comfort or success. Not the kind of good that promises wealth and fame. But the kind of good that lives beyond the momentary heartache and pain because it is a good that is eternal and better than we can even grasp? 

This is what Jeremiah, and Isaiah, and Ezekiel, and Paul, and even Jesus Himself believed. They knew that their life was for and about God. Jesus walked continually with one purpose and goal - - to please His Father - - to glorify God.

When we know where we come from and why we exist, it changes the way we think and live.

So, do I??

Do I really believe that God’s purposes for me are so much bigger and greater than any current situation? 

Do I really trust my Creator to use me in whatever way is best? 

Can I rest in the greatness of my God instead of the confusion, frustration, and pain of this present moment? 

Do I really believe that my life is all about God? 

I think so. I want to. So I pray along with the father in Mark 9:24...

“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”