A 'bad mom' and the hope of glory

I accused Jason of lying on Sunday evening. He laughed and my frustration increased (I might have thrown a pillow and yelled at him to quit laughing). 

“You really think I’m lying?”, he said with unsuppressed grin. 

‘Yes! How can you say that after seeing the way I acted today?’

“So, you lose your patience a couple times a week? You raise your voice once in a while? That makes you a bad mom??”

His ‘lie’ was telling me that I am a good mother. The day had been full of displays of my impatience, selfishness, pride, and frustration. I told Jason that he was just trying to be kind and encouraging. I told him that I appreciated the thought, but that I didn’t believe him. I was in a pit of self-loathing and woe and I wanted to stay there. 

“Meridith.”, his tone had changed. It was soft now – but serious. “What in the world are you expecting of yourself? You love and care for our boys day after day after day. You give of yourself constantly for them. What are you expecting yourself to do or be?”

I had to stop and think about that one. I finally answered.

“I guess I’m expecting myself to be much more patient, gentle, loving, relaxed, and... I don’t know – (long sigh) maybe much closer to perfect than I am? Oh, and I should be enjoying every moment.”

His laugh returned, but he responded to me with a question. “Did you enjoy every day and every part of your job as a nurse on 9North?”

“No.”, it was a quick and easy reply.

“What about the PICU?”

“No.”

“But did you enjoy those jobs overall?”, he continued. 

“Yes.”

“Were you perfect at them?”

“No.”

“So what makes you think that you have to enjoy every minute or every day of being a mother? The fun part of caring for toddlers and our home is like 10 minutes a day. The rest is a whole lot of work!” 

I wanted to argue. But Jason’s words really made me stop and think. Why do I have such ridiculous expectations for myself when it comes to motherhood? Where do these expectations come from and why do they follow me around continually and threaten to drive me crazy?

My incredible husband then took my chin into his hands, waited until my eyes raised to meet his, and then said adamantly “You are a d*** good mother.” (Yes, Jason or I occasionally cuss – don’t worry mothers and grandmothers – never in front of the children :-) 

I couldn’t stop the tears. He sounded so sure – so confident.

Why do I struggle so much to believe him?? I do love my boys SO much and strive constantly to care for, train, and love them well. I even enjoy them a lot of the time.

So why does the guilt and frustration pile so high on me sometimes that it feels like I will suffocate? Why am I in a constant state of disappointment with myself? Why do I feel like a failure when I’m not truly failing at all?

My husband’s words really made me think and pray again about what I am expecting of myself as a mother and why. As I was praying and thinking about this yesterday, God revealed something to me about my misplaced desires (and my sin). 

In my life in general, and especially in my role as a mother, I constantly desire more joy, energy, beauty, creativity, fullness, self-discipline, grace, and strength. I desire to be more than what I am – more physically fit, more patient, etc. So I asked God – “What is it that I’m truly desiring? Am I still just being a self-centered perfectionist??” 

The answer I sensed from the Lord amazed me. I felt him whisper to my heart,

“You are desiring glory.”

‘Glory?!’ I thought. What a vague and hard to understand concept. How do you even define glory? It seems to be a highness, a magnificence, a beauty, that I don’t think we can really grasp. So what does it mean that I desire this? My confusion suddenly shifted to worry.

“Oh Lord, am I desiring YOUR glory, or my own?” I felt the Lord’s Spirit whisper again.

“You often seek your own, but what you are really longing for is ME. Your deepest and often unknown longings are actually for glimpses of who I AM.”

It was as if God suddenly opened a small window of understanding in my heart. If what I truly desire in beauty, creativity, fullness, strength, and even perfection is God Himself, have I become confused in my seeking? What I’m actually looking for and longing for is God and His glory to be revealed. Yet in my confusion, I seek the ‘glimpses’ themselves. I seek strength, fullness, perfection, etc, themselves and put them in the place of God. Being perfect or doing things ‘just right’ becomes my focus. This leads to a self-absorbed seeking of my own glory. 

My mind drifted back to my conversation with Jason from the other day. I often believe I am a ‘bad mom’ because I can never meet my impossible expectations. I strive continually for something I can’t attain. True perfection and glory is only found in GOD. What my heart is actually longing for is my Creator. A part of a verse in Colossians (1:27) suddenly came to mind....

“Christ in you, the hope of glory.” 

The only hope I have for glimpses of the glory of God to be seen or displayed in my life is Christ living in me. 

I whispered again to my Savior. “So what does You in me look like?” 

Galatians 5:22-23 immediately came to my mind. 

“Christ in you”, looks like...

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience

Kindness

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self-control

Isn’t this SO much of what I long to see more of in my every day?? What I want to be? What I want my sons to know and display? 

Yes!! It suddenly clicked. I’m longing to see Christ displayed. I’m longing for His Glory. I’m longing to know Him more and be known by Him. I’m longing for Jesus. 

So when I now notice that I am seeking and longing for more beauty, perfection, strength, fullness, or any of the above fruit - - I need to seek hard after Christ Himself.

When I am overwhelmed by my inadequacies and failures - - I need to rest in HIS perfection, and let my imperfections be swallowed up by His grace. 

When I feel like a ‘bad mom’ because I am drowning in my own expectations,  - - I need to point myself and my children to God, because He is what we all really need.

When I find myself absorbed in seeking inspiration and motivation from blogs, facebook, books, or other internet sites - - I need to run hard and fast to the ONLY SOURCE of real beauty, perfection, strength and fullness - - My Creator and Redeemer.

I must remember and believe that my life is not fulfilled in meeting my own expectations, or in living up to an image that I or someone else has created for me. My life is fulfilled by living in the glory and greatness of my God. 

“Oh Father, please help me grasp this truth. Burrow it into the deepest places of my heart. Change what and whom I live for. Make it all about You instead of me. Transform me into what You designed and intend for me to be. Let me live fully in both the work and joy of being a mother. But let even this not define me. More than being a wife, or a mom, or a sister, neighbor, or friend – let me first and foremost be YOURS.”