Frequent Advice

Ever since I gave birth to Nathaniel, I have heard from family, friends, and strangers... 

“Enjoy every minute, it goes by so fast.” 

Or

 “They grow up so fast – it seems like just yesterday that mine were babies – enjoy it.” 

I have heard these words what seems like a thousand times - in grocery stores, airports, parks, churches, and just about anywhere else you can imagine. Since adding Ezekiel, it feels like these statements have become even more frequent. 

Most of the time when hearing the above words over the past couple of years, I have felt frustration. In trying to learn and grow into motherhood, I am often filtering people’s comments through an insecure, overwhelmed, and sleep-deprived mind. My internal response to these comments is usually “How do I enjoy every minute of being peed, pooped, and vomited on - - all while longing to just lay down and take a nap?” or “Do you even remember this time when your kids were little – when you didn’t have any idea what you were doing and you didn’t have even a minute to yourself to go to the bathroom? When your energy was barely there and you worried almost non-stop that you were doing everything wrong? When you hardly recognized yourself because you hadn’t showered in three days? When you weren’t sure that you could be a good wife AND a good mother at the same time because it often felt like the two were competitors?” (Don’t worry readers – my outlook was often much improved after food and a nap. :-) )

And then I would feel guilty. 

When my babies were clean and quiet and tucked in for the night, I would look at their sweet, sleeping faces and feel overwhelmed again with love and gratitude. I would also feel guilty for being exhausted and frustrated with them and myself at times throughout the day. “Why can’t I just relax and enjoy them??”, I would constantly ask myself. 

My youngest son just turned 1 year old and is starting to settle out a lot of days – he is eating more solid food, which means breastfeeding less. He is FINALLY sleeping through the night more regularly (off and on anyway), and he will now play independently for a bit when he is well rested and has a full belly.  My other son is almost 3 years old now and is sleeping through the night (usually), eating well, and can entertain himself for short segments of time. I am starting to come out of the fog of sleep deprivation, and with the Lord’s help, I am slowly growing in confidence and grace as a mother. I LOVE watching the new phenomenon of our sons playing together and interacting more. I am really enjoying watching them explore or joining in their ‘adventures’ with them. I love reading books, telling stories, making forts and tents, playing ball in the backyard, ‘fighting lions’, or putting them in our hiking backpacks and taking off for a long hike and picnic (and most recently teaching Nathaniel to fly a kite at the top of a mountain!). As it feels like we are entering a slightly new season in parenting, I am now having a different response to people’s comments about “enjoying every minute because they grow up so fast.” 

Now, instead of frustration, I feel fear. 

“How can I slow down the time?!” 

“How can I enjoy EVERY minute??”

“How can I keep my babies from growing up too fast??” 

Though things are a bit smoother at the moment, this season is still incredibly busy and demanding. Entire days often go by without me even knowing what we did. When I tell someone a  cute thing that Nathaniel said or Zeke did, they often reply ‘I hope you’re writing this down!” I want to write more down, take more pictures, and just sit and hold them more. 

But when??

So I started trying again to ‘de-clutter’ and ‘simplify’ my life. I tried harder to ‘cut back’ on things that are consuming time that aren’t necessary or needed. I tried harder to hang onto the seconds with a gnawing fear that it is still not enough, that I’m still going to wake up tomorrow and my boys will be 18 and 20 years old and moving on with life. Although some of the changes I have made to our life are really good, I have sensed my anxiety growing despite my attempts to ‘hold onto and enjoy every moment‘.

So what am I really afraid of?? Am I afraid of my boys growing up and becoming men? 

I realized my answer is ‘no’. I want my boys to become men. I want my sons to be men who move out and live on their own, who love God with all they are, who spend their lives loving people, and who live fully in all that Jesus intends for them. This is what I am raising them for! 

I realized that I’m not afraid of them growing up. What I am afraid of is what I subtly hear in many of the voices that tell me to ‘enjoy every moment’...

Regret. 

Whether it is actually there or not, what sparks fear in me is that I will wake up one day with regret of how I spent these days and this season with my little ones. Do many people regret how they spent this time?? Do they really feel like they didn’t enjoy the moments, or perhaps they just miss holding their babies?? 

So the questions remain for me.

“How do I enjoy these moments fully so that I can live without regret?”

“How do I slow down the time so that I CAN enjoy this season with my babies more?”

I even tried reading articles about how we perceive time and how to ‘slow it down’. What I found was kind of fascinating. Although we obviously can’t do anything to truly change the passing of time, we can do several things to change our ‘perception’ of time and make it ‘seem’ to slow down. The main themes that help imprint time and events into our memories and help time appear to ‘slow down’ were...

• Experiencing something new or out of the ordinary. 

• Focusing fully on a moment AS YOU LIVE IT. 

• Being calm / at peace. 

• Experiencing events with your senses and emotions. (Emotion seems to imprint memories more deeply than just intellectual engagement).

** See: http://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/how-to-make-your-days-feel-longer.html?nav=featured. 

http://www.mindpowernews.com/SlowDownTime.htm.

https://blog.bufferapp.com/the-science-of-time-perception-how-to-make-your-days-longer.

While all these things are really interesting to me, what is my overall goal? Will seeming to ‘slow time down’ be enough in the end? 

So I sought the Lord, confronted my fears, and sought the Lord some more. I realize that I can’t truly slow time down, enjoy every minute, or live completely without regret in this fallen world. However, I CAN, with the help of the Lord, live life as He intends – fully / abundantly – in EVERY season. Jesus said that he came to give us ‘life abundant’ (John 10:10). He gave us life to experience fully with Him. The struggles and joys of each season may widely vary. As we walk with Christ, we get the incredible opportunity to live in grace and hope. We have the hope that HE is at work in and through us, that our life has purpose in the midst of the mundane, and that even when we mess up, He can and will redeem if we seek Him. 

So maybe these people who give me advice or warning about ‘enjoying the moments’ and about ‘time passing too quickly’ are living with some regret of how they spent those days. Maybe they lived well but just miss their children being little and in their arms. Either way, I am choosing to hear the advice and heed it instead of despising it – I hear it too frequently to ignore it. So if I can’t enjoy every moment, and I can’t slow down time, what CAN I do??

• I can embrace each moment – even the hard and messy ones – and experience them in all of their emotion and fullness. 

• I can hold, snuggle, kiss, teach, and play with my babies every chance I get - - not out of sorrow or fear of what won’t last forever - - but out of joy and gratefulness that I get the privilege of raising them for God’s kingdom and glory! 

• I can say ‘no’ to extra things that aren’t necessary or helpful in this season - - I can simplify life so I have more time to focus on what is most important right now. 

• I can be creative and experience new things with my babies to help imprint these memories on our hearts and minds. I can learn new things and share what I learn with others. 

• I can take some time to be alone and with the Lord when able - - so that I can be refreshed and better able to enjoy my life and my people. My heart is often more calm and at rest when I do this regularly. 

• I can take pictures or record things as able (not with constant guilt) to be enjoyed by others and to enjoy ourselves. 

• I can pray - - for my precious sons - - for myself as their mother - - for my wonderful husband, their father - - for all the women in my life who are mothers, grandmothers, or long to be - in all their struggles and triumphs in this crazy and amazing journey. 

So next time someone tells me to "enjoy every moment because they will go by all too fast", maybe I will reply with...

“I’m slowly learning how to embrace the moments. These boys are really busy and a lot of fun.” 

Because I think these people are actually trying to encourage me - - longing for me to find joy in my children and even in this crazy and busy season of life. 

So thank you - - to the ones I have previously been quite frustrated with. Thank you to those who have sparked fear in me. Thank you for encouraging me – in your own way. I’m praying that next time, instead of responding in frustration or fear, I will simply be reminded to take a deep breath and soak in the imperfect moments – and I will reassure you - - I delight in my sons.