Thoughts on Perfection

It is 11:30am and I am writing this while sitting on the bed still in my bathrobe. Nathaniel is next to me – not yet dressed either – playing with a rattle and “talking” and grinning. Once again, I feel like I don’t have time to write, with another long “to do” list sitting next to me on the other side. However, I need to process a few things that have been spinning in my head, and besides, maybe it will encourage someone else along the way.

I am a perfectionist. I struggle almost constantly with frustration and disappointment with myself at my inability to get things done right or do them as well as I want. Now, I’m not one of these perfectionists who actually are nearly perfect but can never please themselves. No, I am the one who just wants things to be perfect but never gets anywhere close. However, I am realizing more and more that my expectations for myself are still completely ridiculous.

For example, Jason has taken to teasing me lately at the end of the day by telling me he loves me more because I got a certain thing done. When I am wailing over things I didn’t get accomplished, he will put his arms around me and say “You know that I would love you more if you had gotten that done”. :) This has been really good for me because it reminds me in a different way of what he tells me all the time “I love you, and there is nothing you can do about it”.

This is the way that God loves us – completely unconditionally. I still can’t grasp such love. I long to fully believe it and give it to God and others. Most of the time I just struggle with how it can be true. I understand a little more each time God displays it in my life, often using Jason and others. I know that it is God loving through them. No human being is capable on their own of giving or receiving unconditional love. My prayer lately is for God to help me truly believe, accept, and live in His love.

The other night Jason and I were talking about how we both expect so much of ourselves and stay constantly frustrated when we fall short of those expectations. Just to make a point (and to laugh at ourselves a little) Jason described a day when he would do things the way he wanted  / meet his own expectations. It looked something like jumping out of bed full of energy at 4 in the morning, spending a long time in the Word and prayer and connecting with the Lord, eating a nutritious breakfast, then riding his bike to work, while stopping at the YMCA to swim on the way. He is on trauma right now so he went on to describe how he would perfectly manage all 30 or more extremely ill and complicated patients at one time. There would be no communication gaps or even small errors, everyone would work together without conflict, confusion, or mistakes, and he would make time to sit and talk with family and patients, while still spending time teaching and encouraging his team. (He would also get at least one more nutritious meal in there) . He ended by saying that he would arrive home in time for dinner (on his bike), with tons of energy to spare to play with Nathaniel, help around the house, and then spend time talking and being with me.

Realizing this was very eye-opening to actually verbalize what we sometimes expect of ourselves, I decided to do the same thing. (If you’re bored, feel free to skip to the end, I’m just processing while trying to make a point. :) ) My “perfect” day also began with an early morning, a long time in the Word and prayer, and with a nutritious breakfast. It continued with a detailed and consistent schedule in which Nathaniel always ate, played, and then slept according to plan. I maintained a clean and organized house, while completing creative projects that made my home both personal and inviting. I was always on top of dishes, laundry, sorting mail, paying bills, and cleaning both dirt and clutter. My day also consisted of a good time of exercise – either swimming, running, pilates, or all three (I’m not kidding that there are days I have thought of trying all three). Sometime throughout the day, I would also meet up with friends, encouraging them in their walk. I would also be involved in community ministries, continue to work part-time as a nurse, keep up closely with family, and stay in tune with world events, while spending time in good books that expanded my thinking. At the end of the day, Jason would come home to a hot meal on the table, a smiling baby, and a clean and well-dressed wife. I would selflessly listen about his day, or just give him a back-rub in silence since that is often more relaxing for him than re-counting the often 30+ sad stories in the trauma unit. Like him, I would have energy to spare after putting the baby to bed to hang out and re-connect with my husband.

Ok, for those of you who actually read all of that, I know that this sounds extremely ridiculous and impossible. However, it is sadly not that far off from how we think sometimes. The craziest part is, at the end of the “perfect day”, we would have completely isolated everyone because no one in the world would be able to relate to us! That was the part that really struck me. If the point of our lives is to know God, enjoy Him, and walk with people in a way that shows Christ to the world and glorifies Him, how can we do that if we can’t relate to anyone? Yes, God wants to make us more into His image. Yes, God wants us to live in a way that pleases Him. However, I believe that God’s expectations for us look completely different than our expectations for ourselves. If we suddenly became perfect, we would no longer need God. We wouldn’t seek Him or remain in a state of dependence on Him. He wouldn’t be glorified, we would! He is glorified when we are able to be at peace in the midst of chaos, content with little or much, accept His love and allow it to flow through us to others, walk in His grace, react to situations in a way that we could never do on our own, live in joy even in loss, sorrow, or pain, and so much more. He is glorified when He is seen through our messy and broken lives.

I do think that we should strive to grow. But the crazy part is that we often thrive and grow the most when we simply rest in God. The striving should be in seeking to know Him. I do believe that He will take care of the rest and will glorify Himself through any life that is surrendered to Him.

“Find rest my soul in God alone, for my hope is from Him.” – Psalm 62:5