Restlessness
It's official. I am restless. I have been trying to ignore it for a little
while now but it won't go away. The problem is that I can't figure out why. I
have more to be thankful for than I can even measure, and I am thankful. I am
thankful for my God, my family, my home (even if temporary), my friends, my
job, my life... I really am grateful. But my heart still feels restless.
I hate uncertainty. We are in the middle of much of it right now. We might be moving again really soon. We are currently in limbo about when and where. There are a bunch of details to the story that I won't get into here. I get frustrated often because I just want to know what we're doing and I want to do it now. It doesn't really matter too much to me what we decide or where we live, I just want to know.
Another looming unknown is what the next months will be like when Jason starts interviews for pediatric surgery fellowship in January. I often wonder how we will do seeing each other even less than we do now, with him gone every weekend for three months. Also wondering if we will get pediatric surgery fellowship and if so, where it will be.
Many of my loved ones are in places of major uncertainty with their future. I often struggle even more to leave them in God’s hands than I do to trust God with myself.
I know that the problem is not the uncertainty itself. This will always be a part of life. Big or small in different seasons, uncertainty will always be with us as long as we live on this earth. The problem is with me. I am not leaving these things in the Lord’s hands and resting.
I am spending too much time at home with my own thoughts. I'm not very good at this stay-at-home mom thing. I love my son more than I know how to express. I absolutely love being with him. I wouldn't trade it for anything, nor would I have someone else raise him. However, I find myself longing already for more travel and adventures (I am so hard to satisfy!), to spend more time with Jason and our baby together, to always have something new and exciting going on. I am bored with the redundant and mundane tasks. I am stir-crazy many days in this house. The basic issue – I am restless and discontent.
Right now, I am tempted. My temptation is to fill up my days with tons of activities. Don’t get me wrong; they would be good things – volunteering my time and energy to help those in need. However, is this the answer that God is giving me? Is filling up my time going to fill this void and struggle? Doing things for others is good and I don’t want to be living for just myself or even just my immediate family. We were created to be part of other peoples’ lives, part of a story larger than ourselves. The problem is that when I get restless I often tend to just fill up my time to the point of being overwhelmed and exhausted. Busyness is not the answer. For once in my life I can slow down and enjoy the moment. I can live without rushing around. I am in a season where I can rest and be still. I actually have time to write, think, pray, study, and be with people.
But instead I complain, whine, worry, and struggle. I feel very much like the Israelites in the Old Testament when they had all their needs met but still did not rest in the Lord’s presence and provision. They wanted things their own way in their own time.
My questions to God and myself lately have gone something like this… Am I not truly grateful for what I’ve been given? Do I not trust You enough? Why do I feel restless and unsatisfied when I have all I could need or want? Do I need to be doing something differently? What do You want me to do Lord? God, you have given me so much more than I deserve or could even ask for – what is wrong with me that I don’t just live in continual joy and praise? Why do I wrestle with You, even in a season of gifts and blessing?
I can’t help but think of Augustine’s quote “Almighty God, you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in You…”
Thomas Aquinas also says “God alone satisfies and infinitely surpasses man’s desires, which therefore can never rest except in God.”
This truth is echoed throughout Scripture. "My soul is yearning for you, my God" (Ps 42:1), "O God, you are my God, for you I long" (Ps 63:1), "Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me… and you will find rest for your souls”. (Matthew 11:28-29), “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” (Isaiah 26:3), “In the path of your judgments O Lord, we wait for You, Your name and remembrance are the desire of our soul. My soul yearns for You…O Lord, You will ordain peace for us, for you have indeed done for us all our works. O Lord our God, other lords besides you have ruled over us, but Your name alone we bring to remembrance.” (Isaiah 26:8, 12-13), “Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:13), Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.” (Psalm 62:1).
The reality is this: Only God can and will ever fulfill me.
In my restlessness I seek so many things for fulfillment and satisfaction – volunteering, busyness, exercise, food, facebook, writing, my husband (his time, attention, etc), my home, being a mother, my job, friends and family, entertainment… I seek all of this and more. A restless heart is a symptom of a deeper issue – seeking my contentment in anything other than God. These things then become idols. Jesus Christ alone can satisfy my deepest needs. It is a sin to seek anything else first.
“Lord, forgive me. Help me to tear down all idols in my life. Let me seek and live for nothing other than You. Show me how to do this. Work through me. Teach me what this looks like in the every day. In the middle of daily tasks, both small and great, how do I seek You first? Make still my restless heart. Let me not seek my satisfaction or fulfillment in anything else other than Your Presence. Let me know You more. Help me to pour myself into Your Word so that I can know who You are. Help to be constantly communicating with You through prayer. Let my days be filled with praise, joy, peace, and Your incredible love. Let Nathaniel grow up in a home that is overflowing with Your Spirit. Change my heart and attitude from discontentment to constant gratitude. You have blessed me beyond measure Lord. You have given me so much here on earth, while at the same time giving me the most amazing and precious gift of all – Yourself. May I be consumed by You – overtaken completely. May the passion to know and make You known, be all that my soul longs for. I love you Lord. Thank you for Your overwhelming forgiveness and grace.”
I hate uncertainty. We are in the middle of much of it right now. We might be moving again really soon. We are currently in limbo about when and where. There are a bunch of details to the story that I won't get into here. I get frustrated often because I just want to know what we're doing and I want to do it now. It doesn't really matter too much to me what we decide or where we live, I just want to know.
Another looming unknown is what the next months will be like when Jason starts interviews for pediatric surgery fellowship in January. I often wonder how we will do seeing each other even less than we do now, with him gone every weekend for three months. Also wondering if we will get pediatric surgery fellowship and if so, where it will be.
Many of my loved ones are in places of major uncertainty with their future. I often struggle even more to leave them in God’s hands than I do to trust God with myself.
I know that the problem is not the uncertainty itself. This will always be a part of life. Big or small in different seasons, uncertainty will always be with us as long as we live on this earth. The problem is with me. I am not leaving these things in the Lord’s hands and resting.
I am spending too much time at home with my own thoughts. I'm not very good at this stay-at-home mom thing. I love my son more than I know how to express. I absolutely love being with him. I wouldn't trade it for anything, nor would I have someone else raise him. However, I find myself longing already for more travel and adventures (I am so hard to satisfy!), to spend more time with Jason and our baby together, to always have something new and exciting going on. I am bored with the redundant and mundane tasks. I am stir-crazy many days in this house. The basic issue – I am restless and discontent.
Right now, I am tempted. My temptation is to fill up my days with tons of activities. Don’t get me wrong; they would be good things – volunteering my time and energy to help those in need. However, is this the answer that God is giving me? Is filling up my time going to fill this void and struggle? Doing things for others is good and I don’t want to be living for just myself or even just my immediate family. We were created to be part of other peoples’ lives, part of a story larger than ourselves. The problem is that when I get restless I often tend to just fill up my time to the point of being overwhelmed and exhausted. Busyness is not the answer. For once in my life I can slow down and enjoy the moment. I can live without rushing around. I am in a season where I can rest and be still. I actually have time to write, think, pray, study, and be with people.
But instead I complain, whine, worry, and struggle. I feel very much like the Israelites in the Old Testament when they had all their needs met but still did not rest in the Lord’s presence and provision. They wanted things their own way in their own time.
My questions to God and myself lately have gone something like this… Am I not truly grateful for what I’ve been given? Do I not trust You enough? Why do I feel restless and unsatisfied when I have all I could need or want? Do I need to be doing something differently? What do You want me to do Lord? God, you have given me so much more than I deserve or could even ask for – what is wrong with me that I don’t just live in continual joy and praise? Why do I wrestle with You, even in a season of gifts and blessing?
I can’t help but think of Augustine’s quote “Almighty God, you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in You…”
Thomas Aquinas also says “God alone satisfies and infinitely surpasses man’s desires, which therefore can never rest except in God.”
This truth is echoed throughout Scripture. "My soul is yearning for you, my God" (Ps 42:1), "O God, you are my God, for you I long" (Ps 63:1), "Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me… and you will find rest for your souls”. (Matthew 11:28-29), “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” (Isaiah 26:3), “In the path of your judgments O Lord, we wait for You, Your name and remembrance are the desire of our soul. My soul yearns for You…O Lord, You will ordain peace for us, for you have indeed done for us all our works. O Lord our God, other lords besides you have ruled over us, but Your name alone we bring to remembrance.” (Isaiah 26:8, 12-13), “Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:13), Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.” (Psalm 62:1).
The reality is this: Only God can and will ever fulfill me.
In my restlessness I seek so many things for fulfillment and satisfaction – volunteering, busyness, exercise, food, facebook, writing, my husband (his time, attention, etc), my home, being a mother, my job, friends and family, entertainment… I seek all of this and more. A restless heart is a symptom of a deeper issue – seeking my contentment in anything other than God. These things then become idols. Jesus Christ alone can satisfy my deepest needs. It is a sin to seek anything else first.
“Lord, forgive me. Help me to tear down all idols in my life. Let me seek and live for nothing other than You. Show me how to do this. Work through me. Teach me what this looks like in the every day. In the middle of daily tasks, both small and great, how do I seek You first? Make still my restless heart. Let me not seek my satisfaction or fulfillment in anything else other than Your Presence. Let me know You more. Help me to pour myself into Your Word so that I can know who You are. Help to be constantly communicating with You through prayer. Let my days be filled with praise, joy, peace, and Your incredible love. Let Nathaniel grow up in a home that is overflowing with Your Spirit. Change my heart and attitude from discontentment to constant gratitude. You have blessed me beyond measure Lord. You have given me so much here on earth, while at the same time giving me the most amazing and precious gift of all – Yourself. May I be consumed by You – overtaken completely. May the passion to know and make You known, be all that my soul longs for. I love you Lord. Thank you for Your overwhelming forgiveness and grace.”
Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
2 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
my salvation comes from him.
2 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
3 How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
4 Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.[b]
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
4 Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.[b]
5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
my hope comes from him.
6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God[c];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
- Psalm 62:1-8
That truly is the REST of the STORY!
ReplyDeleteWow, Mer. Love your transparency, and your beautiful God-seeking heart. "You will seek Him and find Him when you look for Him with all your heart." It seems I have been restless and terribly idolatrous myself as of late, and your post is an encouraging reminder that God Himself is what our souls are thirsting for, and He is sufficient. Oh, for greater faith to stand and walk firmly in this Truth! Thanks for sharing, Mer. I'll be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteA song to go with the topic at hand... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM
ReplyDelete