Saturday

THIS is the day I’ve been waiting for. This wide-open, ordinary Saturday. Our little family is all together, and there is nowhere we have to be. I’ve been dreaming of days like this for quite some time. Everything in me has longed for Jason to be done with fellowship, for my body to give birth to our newest babe, and for the packing and goodbyes to be complete for now. Yet here we are, back in Nashville, and instead of feeling excited and motived, I feel exhausted and lost.

This city has changed dramatically the past few years, and things that used to feel familiar no longer do. The discomfort and disconnect I feel with the city is invading my home and relationships too. Jason and I are out of our ‘normal’ rhythms and routines. Even though fellowship was incredibly hard, we had a system and way of doing things. We are both currently displaced from our usual ‘jobs’. Our roles, and even personalities, feel confusing and strange to us. And to be honest? I’m angry.

THIS is supposed to be what we worked and waited for. THIS is supposed to be it. And now that we’re here? It just feels hard.

And so, my wrestle with the Lord and my circumstances begin once again...  

“It’s not supposed to feel this hard!!”

“Trust Me”

“I did trust You, and we finally made it through, and now is supposed to be our time to rest and refresh!”

“Trust Me”

“But when do we get to rest?! Can’t things just be easy for the littlest while?! I know that the near and far future are going to have plenty of challenges. PLEASE – can’t you cut us a little slack to release this tension?”

“Trust Me. I’m not destroying, I’m building. I’m not hurting, I am healing.”

“But it truly feels like too much. The LAST thing I need in this new season is to wrestle daily through intensely hard emotions, marital challenges, and health issues related to stress. I need a break!!”

“I love you. Trust Me.”

“Can’t you give me something more to go on? To fix these issues that we feel stuck in? To get us out of circular conversations?”

“I love you. Trust Me. I’m not destroying, I’m building. I’m not hurting, I am healing.”

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This is all God will give me to go on – Trust. This is what He is calling us to walk in - Trust. And to be perfectly honest? I hate it. I’m frustrated and angry. And on top of it all? I feel guilty for feeling this way. How can I feel angry when we are OH. SO. BLESSED...

Jason has completed pediatric surgery fellowship.

Our beautiful baby girl is strong and healthy.

Our three precious sons are alive and well.

We are living in a lovely furnished home, with a fenced in yard for the kids to play in.

We have a second furnished home awaiting us in June-August.

Our financial needs are being met above and beyond our expectations.

We are literally living out the dream and adventure that God has placed inside of us.

So now what?! What do I do with these emotions that are so conflicted with reality, and that I feel like I shouldn’t even have?!

I swim, and pray, and cry them out. 

I work, and hike, and talk, and write. 

I sing, and pray, and cry some more. 

I give them over and over again to my Maker. 

I open my arms wide in worship.

Because if I try to deny that they are there, I either erupt or shut down. These intense and hard emotions don’t go away until I go THROUGH them. As much as I hate their presence, they have to be dealt with. Because for reasons I don’t understand, this is how I’m made. My need to process, and create, and live fully, comes from the way I am wired by God. The brokenness and dysfunction comes from the fallen world in which we live.

So if you’re anything like me and can relate in some way to this wrestle, please know that you’re not alone! And as scary and hard as it sounds, take ONE step today TOWARD the hard emotions, so that you can walk THROUGH them. And if you’re discouraged because the next hour or day seems to just bring more struggles, know that you’re not alone! Even for those who are living their dreams, life is STILL HARD. And one day God is going to come and take away all the tears, fix all the dysfunction, and replace it with all that is perfect and beautiful and right. But until that day, keep walking dear friends, ONE step and breath at a time...