THIS is community. Do I want it?

The following is my feeble attempt to process just a few of the thoughts and emotions spinning in my head and heart from the past few weeks of our life here in KC... You hear a lot of talk in Christian circles these days about community and discipleship, but what do these things actually look like and mean? What might it look like to truly live out these concepts?  

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THIS is community.

It’s sobbing in the car for 2 hours on my birthday because my dear friend’s 6-month-old baby is dead.

It’s crying and holding a new mother as she loves her son so much that she hands him over to another family to raise.

It’s cutting our anniversary date short to be with this young woman and friend as she sits alone and feels the ache of her empty arms.

It’s texting and talking with my sister as she grieves through loss and heartache.

It’s feeling my own tiniest babe kicking in my womb, while these women’s wombs and arms are empty – knowing that my baby is a grace and mercy that I could never earn or deserve.

It’s the confusion of feeling pain and joy at the same time.

It’s the pouring out when you feel like you have nothing to give.

It’s loving people who are hard to love, and whom you don’t understand.

It’s gathering together when you are all exhausted.

It’s staying when you want to run.

It’s wondering if being involved in the pain and heartache of others is good for your 5-year-old son.

It’s holding that son as he sobs over the death of a baby he’s been praying over for months.

It’s being vulnerable when you want to hide.

It’s letting people into your mess.

It’s accepting help when you would rather feel strong and independent.

Do I really want this?? Is it worth it??

It’s painful, draining, messy, uncomfortable, confusing, hard, exhausting...

Why community?? Wouldn’t it be better to just be alone??

I’ve asked myself these questions the past few weeks.

I’ve weighed the alternatives...

            Shutting myself down

            Putting up walls

            Keeping others at arms length

            Living for me

            Trying to satisfy my longings

            Trying to reach my dreams

            Reaching them alone.

What do I really want??

Would sheltering myself from others keep me from all this sorrow, pain, confusion, and struggle??

Even if the answer is yes, would it be worth the costs??

Could I be fully alive and really experiencing each day if I shut down my heart and emotions toward other people??

THIS is community.

It’s experiencing the most beautiful ‘see you later’ ceremony I could ever imagine.

It’s watching your dear friends give their baby back to God – while thanking their Creator for the miracle and gift their son was and is.

It’s seeing people open their hands in breathtaking trust and faith – even while their hearts are breaking apart.

It’s worshiping together when our hearts are broken and worn and confused.

It’s clinging to truth, even when you don’t feel it – and helping others do the same.

It’s holding another person, and crying or rejoicing with them.

It’s being held by another in your own joy and pain.

It’s being picked up and carried when you’re weak or lonely or afraid.

It’s really knowing other human beings with struggles and weaknesses and strengths and faith.

It’s hope.

It’s getting to see hearts that hold onto JESUS as the anchor of their souls.

It’s letting yourself really feel and experience life -- ALL of it.

It’s knowing that someone truly sees you -- and cares.

It’s knowing that you’re not alone, no matter how messed up you are.

It’s beauty, grace, joy, fullness, connection, and the experience of real, raw love.

So do I want it?? Is it worth it??

My answer is ‘Yes’.

Today, it is a lot of sorrow, pain, and confusion.

Today, it is also a lot of fullness, beauty, and unexplainable peace.

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I told my son the other day that ‘we hurt much because we love much.’

We can’t love this way on our own.

We don’t possess this kind of ability – to keep our broken hearts open to more pain – to love beyond ourselves.

THIS LOVE -- it comes only from our Maker.

“O GOD – come and fill us from your river that never runs dry...”