On Raising Boys, and this coming little one...

I’ve always thought I would be a better mom to girls. It’s hard to admit this on paper. With each pregnancy that culminated into a healthy baby’s birth, I have welcomed my sons with absolute wonder and delight. Each time, I can’t believe that I have been given the gift of this beautiful human being, to raise, nurture, and love.

As I watch those I love struggle with infertility, loss, babies with broken bodies, grief, pain, and unknowns, I am humbled all the more by the absolute mercy and miracle that each person on earth (and in heaven) is.

Yet I’ve still struggled off and on with deep feelings of inadequacy, failure, and fear as I try to nurture these little boys who will one day become men. I feel so much lack – lack of energy, time, patience, knowledge, joy, wisdom... Each of my sons are SO different from each other and have such varying needs at each stage of development. I’m now 21.5 weeks pregnant with our littlest one, and the challenges of this pregnancy, combined with our current season of life (Jason in pediatric surgery fellowship), have often highlighted my feelings of ‘lack’. In addition, I have just begun our homeschooling journey with our oldest son, Nathaniel, who turned 5 about a month ago. This new adventure is bringing a lot of excitement, creativity, joy -- and returned fear of failure / feelings of inadequacy. I know it will take us a while to find our own rhythm and way with homeschooling, but I also know that our life will be in an almost constant state of change and transition in the coming months and years. 

As I ponder in wonder about this coming babe, and who he or she will be, I am simultaneously filled with excitement and fear. We had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound yesterday, and were humbled and grateful to see another seemingly healthy little one on the screen. We didn’t find out the gender of this baby, and our oldest son was quite disappointed because he is very eager to know if he’s ‘finally going to have a sister’ or if it is ‘another brother’. 

Some of our dear friends are in the process of saying goodbye to their precious 6 month old, so the joy of our coming little one is mixed with grief for our friends right now. When I explained to Nathaniel that God has given us this baby as a precious gift, and that we will gladly welcome another boy, or a little girl, I went on to explain the situation with our friends that will soon say goodbye to their son. My tender son burst into tears and cried and cried for this sweet baby that we have been praying for daily for months... I just held him. I didn’t try to explain away the grief or pain or confusion of prayers answered ‘no’, or of death and loss, or of the ‘unfairness’ of it all... My precious and sensitive son is just starting to experience tiny pieces of the hardships of this world...

Some of our best friends here in KC moved away a couple weeks ago. We have close family and friends experiencing very hard things that he hears glimpses of. Books we read are full of new thoughts and ideas. Jason comes home from the hospital with crazy stories that he hears pieces of. We are beginning to have more conversations about things like seasons, transitions, unknowns, disappointments, joys, and other emotions. My biggest little man is processing things at a new level for him, and watching him grieve yesterday while I just held him, was so incredibly painful for this mama’s heart.

Yet God whispered something to my heart yesterday that I was finally able to verbalize to my husband last night...

“You were made for this.”

I had the same feeling while holding Nathaniel that I have when I sit down at my piano and lose myself in worship.

It is the same feeling that I had so many times while working as a nurse in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, and comforting a sick or dying child, or his or her family member.

I experienced it many times while in Cameroon and having a heart-felt conversation with another woman, or while hearing stories of grace and hope from the mouth of new friends over dinner or tea. 

Sometimes when I write, and the words just pour out from my fingers as fast as they can, and I know they are for both me and someone else, I sense it.

It is the sense I get sometimes when I travel and experience new places, or when I soak in the wonders of nature.

It is the feeling I have when I connect deeply with another person as they pour out their pain and grief, or joy and excitement.

“You were made for this.”

Something lit up in my heart last night as the Lord quietly spoke these words to me. I’ve been told for a while on this motherhood journey, by a few very wise voices, that all I need to do is be myself. I’ve been told that me living fully with my Creator – in the ways He has designed me to be – is the absolutely best thing for my husband and children. Of course this doesn’t mean living in my sin, selfishness, or being driven by emotions. What it does mean is daily leaning into the Lord and following His Spirit and Truth and Life.

For quite some time I’ve voiced, mostly to my husband’s ears alone, that I don’t feel like a very good ‘boy mom’. It comes out in statements like...

“I can’t throw or hit a ball!” (Nathaniel often encourages me in this with, ‘You’re getting better mom!’)

“I can’t ever remember the names of the dinosaurs, or the types of trucks, airplanes or tools!”  

“Their energy levels feel constantly beyond me!”

“The continual messes, aggression, and physical need to jump, run, tackle, wrestle, and climb... Did I mention I’m feeling exhausted?”

“I’m really struggling to enjoy and connect with their current choice in books and interests... robots, superheroes, lego people, weapons, bugs, and battles...”

Yet in the midst of these comments and challenges, have I mentioned that I absolutely LOVE my sons’ developing minds and bodies, their constant wonder, their joy in the littlest things (we went for a walk in the rain the other day, and they all declared it ‘the best day ever!!’), their constant hugs and kisses, their new words and phrases masked in adorable voices, their questions and insatiable hunger for learning, the energy and LIFE they possess, their love for music, their freedom in dancing and running, and their begging for ‘just one more story!’...

Yes – I LOVE these boys. And something is changing and growing and becoming freer in me as I realize that God made me for this. Not in a way that is always easy or comfortable. Not in a way that I can do it on my own. Oh how I need my Maker’s constant help and strength and wisdom!!! Yet even this is the way He made it! He wants me continually dependent on Him --- leaning into and seeking Him for ALL of my daily bread.

When I realize that Nathaniel is very much like me in his personality, and that I can relate to his need to process and work through his many and strong emotions, and his deep love for people. When I realize that Zeke is so different than me, yet has such a strong desire to be close and understood. When I realize that learning who God created him to be is an absolute wonder and joy and privilege that I get to partake in daily right now. When I watch and hold Titus and realize that he has so many strength and gifts that will be used by God for many great things when nurtured and developed.

These realizations make me stop and say ‘thank you’ to our Maker. He’s known exactly what He’s doing all along by giving me these three sons, our three babies in heaven, and this coming little one.

Oh, what a blessing and gift. Oh, what a beautiful privilege. As I embrace my boys for all they are – and as I embrace all I am as their mother – I am grateful. I’m grateful that God gave me this hard and wonderful season of raising young men. I’m also so grateful for another amazing son to join this rowdy bunch – or to welcome our first daughter into the world in just a few months. I’m grateful for the stretching and growing – even when painful. My God is making me more into who He desires me to be each day. He is releasing more freedom and more joy into my marriage and motherhood and teaching and writing and friendships.

“Thank you Lord – for giving me boys – for giving me babies in heaven – for giving me this little one growing in my womb – for giving me close family and friends -- for giving me an amazing man – and most of all, for giving me YOU, my Life and Breath...”