Wrestling with God

Last Sunday was full of a big, ugly, wrestling match with God. Of course He won. I’m obviously thinking with only my emotions when I enter such wrestling. Why would I think for even a second that I could win a fight with my Creator Himself? How do I even dare to enter into the ring??! 

I have a WHOLE lot to learn and a LONG way to go in my walk with the Lord. 

The wrestling match yesterday was all about me desiring my illusion of control to be re-instated. Note the word illusion. Any sense of control that I have over my body, mind, heart, circumstances, relationships, or life itself is truly just an illusion – all of it is in the control and hand of God at all times. However, after a couple months of feeling exhausted, nauseated, and weak, I wanted to feel strong, in control, and full of energy again. At almost 12 weeks pregnant, I had begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel... ‘Soon I will feel like myself again! Soon I will be able to get a ton of things done! Soon I will feel strong and energetic and in control of my own body again!’ Then came the pain. 

It felt so familiar, even though it had been over a year since I’d experienced it like this. How could I be having back and pelvic pain so early in the pregnancy? I had been roughhousing with the boys that day but didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. My illusion of control vanished and the light at the end of the tunnel faded. ‘What am I going to do if I have pain like that again? Now?! Here in Cameroon?! Where I now have TWO busy boys to care for and no way to keep from lifting and carrying heavy loads? How will I manage? How will I parent the boys well, remain active in the community, finish strong here?? How can I travel across the world, be in my sister’s wedding, and move to a new city in late pregnancy if I’m having severe pelvic pain and instability?? 

Let’s just say, this is where my ‘freak-out’ and wrestling match with the Lord began. 

“God, You know that the timing of this pregnancy is already a challenge, and that living in Africa has many challenges of its own. I can’t handle pain and pelvic issues with this pregnancy. I’m trying to handle too much already, and feeling like I’m failing miserably most days. I want to feel strong! I need to be strong – for the boys, for Jason, and for many others. There is so much to do here, and will be even more to do when we get to the US. Surely You know that I need a strong and healthy pregnancy this time. I’ve barely made it these past two months of feeling so sick and weak. Please fix this!”

The Lord’s response to my heart...

“Be still. Know that I am God. Trust Me. Surrender to Me. Find rest and grace and strength in ME.”

And I just continued...

“I know I need to be dependent on You and rely on Your strength. But I want to be strong! I want to feel well.”

His response...

“So that you will get the glory? So that people will see you and be amazed at YOUR strength and grace?”

“No, I want them to see YOUR strength Lord”, I continued to argue (and lie to myself). “I will still tell people that my strength comes from You. I...” I suddenly had no more response as I realized that I do want to appear strong and full of grace. Maybe I do care more often about my own glory instead of God’s?!

He continued gently “I thought you want others to see ME? I thought it was you who keeps asking to know Me more deeply and to draw closer to Me? Trust Me. I can and will do great things through you if you will surrender to My way.”

“But can Your way please not involve pelvic pain in this pregnancy?? I just can’t do it...”

This literally went on throughout the day – in between me napping, crying, sitting solemnly, taking a short walk with Jason, canceling all plans and duties, laying in bed some more... leaving my forever patient and loving husband to take the boys to church, fix the meals, and keep up with the house and neighbors. 

After the boys were bathed and tucked in for the night (did I mention that my husband is a saint?), Jason came and took time to draw out my many thoughts and emotions and to speak truth and grace to my restless heart. 

I finally surrendered. God’s peace immediately filled me again. I could see the truth a bit more clearly as I chose to trust Him. He was, is, and will continue giving His incredible grace, strength, and provision for all our needs. No circumstance is beyond His capabilities to handle and help us through. He is my Creator, Redeemer, and All-Powerful God. Why am I afraid? Why am I living in the grip of anxiety? 

I recently read ‘Believing God’, by Beth Moore, and the mantra she repeats throughout the book came back to me...

“God is who He says He is.

God can do what He says He can do.

I am who God says I am.

I can do all things through Christ.

God’s Word is alive and active in me.”

When I live as if I really believe these things, the mountains don’t seem so tall. Fear and anxiety lose their grip when placed before the greatness of God and His promises to us. My weakness doesn’t really matter in the midst of God’s strength. 

I hope that I have learned enough to not enter into the ring with God anytime soon. The way I am though, I could be there again tomorrow. I know He will win. I know that I will surrender. But sometimes He draws me closer and teaches me much through our wrestling matches. I’m glad that as His daughter, God doesn’t punish me for coming to Him in this way. He reprimands and disciplines when needed, but He is so gentle, kind, and loving with me – even when I am angry and arguing. He holds me tight even when I beat against His chest. The peace I feel when I surrender to His huge arms holding me is beyond words. 

“Thank you Lord, for coming down to our level and even allowing us to wrestle with You. Thank you for being greater than we can fathom. Thank you for being more love than we can even grasp. Thank you for your never-ending grace and mercy that somehow still allows your holiness to remain fully intact. Keep me close. Help me to surrender instead of fight. Live through me. I so desperately need You.”