A couple more Sundays

Last Sunday I awoke sending prayers to heaven for grace and energy for the day. Jason left the house early as he was on call at the hospital for the weekend. I needed to feed, dress, and get the boys and myself ready for church, attend church with them, return home to feed them lunch and get them down for naps, etc. I felt tired just thinking about managing two squirming boys for the two-three hour service.

I packed a small bag with a few books and things to occupy Nathaniel, feeling a bit encouraged already as I got all of us out of the house on time. As we walked to church I was joined by one of the short-term visitors – a young medical student from the US. She loves the boys and I was grateful when she sat next to me on the pew and offered to hold Zeke. We made it through the music and prayer time well, although Zeke began getting restless. By the time the pastor was less than halfway through the sermon I had to take the boys out in order to keep Zeke quiet and handle some behavioral issues with Nathaniel. We walked quietly around the church outside – Zeke settled down a bit and Nathaniel began exploring the surroundings. While we walked I was able to hear bits and pieces of the sermon through the slats in the wooden windows. The weather was absolutely gorgeous so we sat for a little while as I watched the waterfalls in the distance and visited with a couple of people who were also outside with their children. The outside of the church was lined with baskets and containers full of food for the offering / thanksgiving time. Many people give produce instead of money – this is their offering to the Lord. The food is auctioned off after the service and the money is given to the church. I had to keep Nathaniel and some other boys from bothering the live chickens (and one rooster) in a couple of the baskets. I returned to our seats inside with the boys when the offering time began. This consists of the entire church dancing up the center aisle in a single file line, as they carry their produce on their backs or heads, or their money in their hands. Nathaniel loves the “marching” as he calls it and I think he will be a bit disappointed in a week or two when this special month of thanksgiving and dancing ends. After this time there was more music and prayer.

As I thought the service was ending, people started moving back a row and then being reseated. After asking what was going on, I found out that we were about to have communion. The people left every other row empty so that the ushers could individually serve the communion by walking down the empty rows. Nathaniel was intrigued and got frustrated and confused when I told him he couldn’t have the cracker or juice the ushers handed me. He kept asking over and over. I sent up another prayer – “Lord, please help me. I want to quiet my heart before you and hear from you before I take this communion. I can’t even hear myself think.” As I tried to manage my extremely tired baby trying to squirm out of my arms, I felt something wet and looked down to realize that Nathaniel had tried to grab my small cup of juice and had spilled it on my skirt and leg. I harshly whispered “Nathaniel, I just told you no!”, as I grabbed his arm and made him sit again on the pew. He started crying and I felt tears of frustration welling up in my own eyes. I whispered softly this time and told him that the service was almost done and to just be quiet for a few more minutes. He quickly calmed down and I suddenly realized that everyone was about to take communion together. “Lord”, I whispered again in my heart. “I don’t even know if I should take this. I haven’t prepared my heart, confessed sin, re-focused on You – and I just yelled at my child for spilling the juice!” I heard the Lord interrupt my scattered and worried thoughts with four clear words – “I love you Meridith.” “But Lord – “, I tried to argue. “I love you Meridith”, I heard again. This time I stopped. This time I was undone. I felt my heart squeeze and tears well up in my eyes.  

He loves me. Really loves me. As the Jesus Storybook Bible says – ‘with a never-stopping, never giving up, un-breaking, always and forever love’.

Isn’t this what communion is all about? We take communion to remember what Christ has done for us on the cross – the ultimate gift of Himself – to save us from our own sin, death, and despair. It is here we find hope. It is here we know His Love.

My focus was on myself and my own worthiness (or unworthiness). In one breath, the Lord refocused me on who He is and who I am in Him. He is Love. I am loved by Him. It doesn’t matter what I have or haven’t done. It matters that I am forgiven and free because of what He has done.

I took the communion with my heart overflowing with gratitude. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders once again. I don’t have to be perfect or do things perfectly. I just need to rest in my Savior and His Love for me.

Although I have heard my whole life that God loves me, there are so many moments lately where it still hits me in a completely new way. Another of these moments was yesterday when I read on someone's blog that we should add to our 'to do' list each day - "Be the loved". I had to read that several times to get it to soak in a bit. Sometimes we need to just be - to let ourselves be loved. 

After the prayer and benediction I returned home with the boys. When Jason arrived home a bit later, he asked how church went. My reply? “Well, we took communion and the Lord told me he loves me.” “That’s good!”, he said. “Good job going by yourself with both boys!” “Thanks.” I said with an internal grin. “I felt strongly that I was supposed to be there today and now I know why. I didn’t hear much of the sermon and the boys were challenging, but I met a couple new people and I was reminded of what it means to be loved by God.”

The following Sunday went quite differently. Jason was off work and we enjoyed a great breakfast he made. He cared for the boys while I showered and got ready, and we all headed to church together. We all sang and danced through the music time and then Ezekiel nursed and fell asleep. I cuddled with him sleeping sweetly while Nathaniel sat quietly (for the most part) next to Jason and read his books etc. through the entire sermon. I actually read the passage of scripture, followed the sermon, and enjoyed focused prayer time afterward. We all danced (or “marched”) down the aisle for the final Sunday of the special offering / thanksgiving time. A couple of boys who have become friends with Nathaniel sat with us for the end of the service. My heart felt full and refreshed. We had someone over for lunch, I attended the women’s Bible study in the afternoon while Jason watched the boys, and then we had a time of praise and worship for the long and short term ex-pats at our house in the evening. Jason asked me with a grin if I liked church today. “Yes, it was kind of amazing how well the boys did, and that we were able hear and follow the sermon!” I replied. “I really felt the Lord speaking through the passage in 1 Chronicles and reminding me that He is the One who fights our battles for us.”

So which Sunday was better?

They were both good. Both Sundays I heard from the Lord. Both Sundays I was reminded of His attributes and faithfulness. Both Sundays I rested from my striving to earn God’s favor and basked in His Love. Both Sundays I walked in gratefulness for all God has done and given. Both Sundays I was astounded again at God’s grace poured out.

Some days I would define as “good” and others as “bad”. However, I am asking God to give me a different perspective – a view beyond my own. Perhaps my bad days can accomplish much good if I allow God to work through me and redeem them? Perhaps my good days might hold the danger of self-reliance instead of dependence on God? Perhaps at the end of the day, all that matters is that I have known more of God and His perfect love, and have been used by Him to love others (even if only in some “small” way)?

Thank you Lord, for both the easy and the hard days, and for even a small glimpse of Your perspective in them.

Thank you for meeting us in the present moment – and for teaching and loving us so perfectly in it.

Tomorrow is another Sunday. Jason is on call again this weekend and has been really busy so far. I’m eager to see how the Lord will meet me and teach me more of who He is. I’m praying for Him to use me in the midst of my weakness to lift Him up and encourage others. Right now? I’m laying in the hammock while the boys nap – just resting and soaking in the moment. What grace we’ve been given to live life with God Himself walking with us!

Praying for all who read this to take a moment to bask in the love and grace of our great God.