"I don't want to go to church"
“I don’t want to go to church”
Yes, these words have actually left my mouth a couple times
the past few weeks. We have visited a couple of churches here in Cameroon and
decided to regularly attend the one closest to the hospital so that we could be
consistent even when Jason is on call (it is literally a 2 minute walk from our
house). The church is run by the Cameroonian Baptist Convention and is vibrant,
joyful, friendly, and growing. It is full of wonderful people who love God and
love to worship.
The reason I don’t want to go sometimes is not because of
the church itself.
After arriving home from church Sunday, I was feeling
frustrated and irritable. When I asked Jason if he had any thoughts or insights
into why I keep having these emotions after attending church here, we came up
with a few reasons...
- My expectation for Sunday morning church is to connect with God, connect with people, and be refreshed.
- None of these things feel like they are happening lately.
- After struggling to keep a 2 year old and 7 month old quiet for two hours or so, I am often left feeling frustrated and exhausted.
- Everyone with children sits in the back of the church here and it is very hard to hear and understand the pastor from the back (there is a PA system but sometimes the power is out, sometimes kids are crying around us, and sometimes I am just extremely distracted by my own children’s needs).
- The worship time is good but my children often divert my attention.
- It is very hard to connect with other people because we are often arriving right as the service is starting and usually need to leave almost immediately after the service ends– again due to the children’s needs for food, naps, etc.
- I often feel most homesick on Sundays – the day that we connected at home with friends and family and were refreshed.
- There is no ready-made food to purchase or restaurants to enjoy here with people after church (This is a completely selfish side note)
While talking some of these things out with Jason, I also
realized that a majority of the reasons for my frustration were related to my own comfort. At our church at home in Nashville,
I put the boys in Sunday school and nursery and then got to enjoy uninterrupted
time filled with worship, prayer, conversations, and study from Scripture. By
the time the service and Sunday school class were over, I would pick the boys
up and head home feeling encouraged and refreshed. The rest of the day usually
included at least one meal out at a restaurant (often with friends), a nap, and
something refreshing for us – a hike, laid back time with family or friends,
games or movie, etc. I looked forward
all week to Sundays and enjoyed them immensely. I was challenged and haunted
today though by this question to myself.
Did I really love
Sundays at home because everything catered to my own desires and comfort? (a.k.a. Do I care most about connecting
with GOD on this day, or have I actually made it all about me?)
I don’t like this question or its potential answer.
Desiring comfort and rest are not wrong. However, am I
pursuing these things more than I am pursuing God and His purposes for this
season?
My mind argues. God created the Sabbath for rest right??
Doesn’t He want us to be refreshed and connect with Him and people??
So Jason and I re-evaluated why we go to church...
- Jesus met regularly at the synagogue to teach truth, challenge and encourage people in their faith, and worship and honor God. (Luke 4:16 says, "He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom.") No, we are not Jewish and do not meet at a synagogue on Saturdays. There are many reasons why a lot of Christians attend church on Sundays (a different topic... ). However, we meet together as Christ’s church to speak truth, encourage each other, worship together, maintain accountability in our walk, etc
- Hebrews 10:25 says, “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” We are taught throughout the New Testament that the church is to live and walk together as one body. We are to encourage, help, and love each other. How can we do this if we do not meet together?
- Acts 11:26 And when he had found him, he brought him unto Antioch. And it came to
pass, that a whole year they assembled themselves with the church, and taught
much people. And the disciples were called Christians first in Antioch.
“ Gathering together to learn and teach the truths of Christ was a foundation
of the Christian church.
- A fourth reason that we go to church is because it is one way that we love God and love on His people (Matthew 22:36-“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”) No, you don’t have to attend church in order to love God or people. However, it is one very tangible way to deepen in our love for Christ and his church.
- Lastly, (though this is not an exhaustive list) Sunday can be a weekly “reset” time that reminds us of who we are in Christ and that we are not called to live this life alone, but as a body of believers who belong to Christ and each other. (Romans 12:5 “So in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.”)
Jason reminded me that just being there each week is very
important. It’s important because of the above-mentioned reasons, others may be
encouraged by it, our children learn its value, and we also benefit spiritually
more than we know. There are many other young families in the same boat as we
are in – trying to keep their babies quiet during the service, outside chasing
toddlers, or so exhausted that they can barely follow the Pastor’s message.
Perhaps we can encourage these young parents as well?
All of these thoughts have led me to contemplate more on this
season of life in general. I always thought that I would automatically thrive
as a mother. I’ve been told my whole life that I was made to be a mom. I had no
idea that this season with really young children would be so challenging and
exhausting for me. However, at the same time – I love it. So many aspects of
this season are more fulfilling and joy-filled than I even imagined they could
be. So why do I struggle so often with frustration and discouragement as a wife
and mother of little ones?
I am starting to see that one primary reason for my
frustration is that I have elevated certain things for a long time that are very
hard to do right now. For example, I’ve always felt the most spiritually in
tune with the Lord and at peace when able to spend a lot of time each day and
week studying the Bible, praying, journaling, and discussing all that I’m
learning with others. While all of these are wonderful things, this season of
two little ones constantly needing me (day and night) does not render itself to
long, uninterrupted time for ANYTHING. My scripture reading is often in
snippets, I pray while doing dishes or folding laundry, and my journal entries
are short or interrupted multiple times before completion. Conversations with
people are also fragmented and there is little time for contemplation (even as
I try to write and process this – Ezekiel woke up at 11pm screaming and has now
upset Nathaniel – my kind husband is caring for them both at the moment).
While crying out (or maybe whining) to the Lord about how
hard it is to find time for these things and how hard it is to be peaceful
without them, I heard him whisper to my heart...
“My dear Meridith, now
is the time to live out all that you have learned. Now is the time to obey. Now
is the time to love and be loved.”
I have felt the Lord re-enforcing this whisper multiple
times over the past couple of months especially. The reason that I am staying
frustrated is because I don’t really like this answer. It is much easier to
study about God than to obey Him. It is much easier to sit quietly and pray
than to pray for and with people as you walk through the trenches of life
together. It is much easier to sing songs in worship than to live out worship
in the every day, sometimes mundane, tasks. It is much easier to learn about
the fruits of the Spirit than to display them.
(*As a side-note, peace is a gift from the Lord, not
something that comes from what I do or don’t do. John 14 says “My peace I give
you, my peace I leave with you, not as the world give I unto you.” I don’t have
to have long, uninterrupted time in reading and prayer in order to be at peace.
Peace is also not dependent in any way on my Sunday church experience.)
The bottom line is that God is chipping away at the many
rough edges of my soul and it is uncomfortable. I don’t like uncomfortable. He
is calling me to obedience, faith, and love in a way that I haven’t practiced
before. This season is placing my weaknesses and sin before me and they are
ugly. However, this season is also helping me know more of the love, patience,
and grace of God. It is helping me see more of what it means for God to be our
Father. The dependence my children have on my reminds me of my dependence on
Christ. I need Him!! All the time – 24/7 – I need Him.
The absolutely amazing part is that my Father never grows
weary or impatient. He is never unkind or unloving. He always forgives, shows
mercy, and gives grace. He never fails – ever – in anything. My incredible
Father knows my heart when I say that I don’t want to go to church. He meets me
here. He says ‘I love you’, lets me rest in that love, and then gently leads me
to do the next thing.
So yes, we will continue to go to church. At this moment in
time, it is not very refreshing for me. But we will go out of love for God and out
of love for his people. With time, we will build more community within the
church here and will enjoy connecting with friends each week. With time, the
boys will learn how to sit through a service (somewhat) quietly and we will be
able to listen to the sermon with fewer interruptions. With time, we will come
to know and love the songs and style of the church service here. With time, Sundays will probably become much more refreshing again, but hopefully they will be centered on my God and not on my comfort.
With time, this season of life will also change. Some day, I
will have more time for uninterrupted reading and Bible study, journaling and
prayer. I will be able to have focused conversations with people again. There
will be a time before long when I will sleep through the night and have more
energy. However, when that time comes, I know I will miss this season. I will
miss the many and overwhelming joys of this time when I get to snuggle with my
babies, enter the world of adventure and imagination with my toddler, laugh out
loud at my littlest boy giggling or my two year old’s new sentence of the day.
I will miss holding, kissing, feeding, training, and caring for my babies.
One day my little boys will be men. I hope and pray that
they will regularly go to church – out of love for their Lord and His people. I
hope they will see the value in meeting together with and encouraging other
believers in their faith. I hope that they will joyfully worship the Lord
through music. I pray they will desire the Word of God and enjoy studying it. I
pray that they will genuinely serve and love people well. I pray most of all that their lives will be
marked by a deep, life-changing love for God – all based on knowing His love
for them.
So I re-surrender to this season – as a mother of my precious baby boys and as a beloved daughter of God.
“Thank you Father, for
walking with me, carrying me often, and loving me endlessly.”
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