First days in our new home

The boys just fell asleep for their nap and I got on facebook for a minute to check updates. After seeing a few pictures, I immediately felt again like so many of my friends “have it all together” while I am floundering in my role as a woman of God, wife, and mother. This post is for all of those who see our facebook page or blog and might feel that way about us...

The truth is that not for one moment do I have it all together. I am not a supermom, superchristian, superwife, or superfriend. In reality, most days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and I am constantly disappointing myself with my inability to meet my own expectations.

This feeling has become even starker as we have just moved to a new culture and home. I truly have no idea what I’m doing! Our two year old has reverted back to struggling with basic behavioral issues that we dealt with when he was 10 months old... “No, don’t touch that. I said no. Let’s do something else. Ok, let’s now sit down and talk about obedience...”  He has lost interest in potty training. He is very sensitive to his brother’s cries and we often have to put them in separate rooms at night and during naps. He is trying to figure out life in this new place, just like the rest of us. This manifests in shyness and frustration with strangers at times where he normally welcomes people’s touch and attention. Both boys are much more tired than normal (as are Jason and I!). Our 5 month old is more fussy than usual and has intermittent fits of being inconsolable when he gets overtired or over stimulated. Fairly often I am trying to calm both boys at once while just wishing that I could lie down and rest.

Please don’t misunderstand me, there are a lot of sweet and precious moments mixed in and I love my boys with all of my heart! I just want people to know that the sweet moments you see in the pictures are not all of our life.

I don’t have everything figured out. (It is 3pm here and I still haven’t figured out how to take a shower today!) Although I love my family, traveling, meeting new people, and experiencing other cultures, I am not a “natural” when it comes to parenting, homemaking, or embracing life away from home. Things don’t always feel like a grand adventure, although there have been and will be many adventures along the way. Most of my days here in Cameroon so far have been filled with trying to learn how to make our house into a home, buy food and cook, clean, do lots of laundry, and take care of the boys, myself, and my husband. Jason and I are both feeling impatient to figure out a new routine and how to live life here. We both feel like babies in this culture – learning to walk and depending a lot on other people. We want to feel independent and helpful. Hopefully we will become more helpful with time. I’m beginning to believe that independence is not really something we are called to as Christians. I believe it is mostly our pride that holds onto this value.

While living in Nashville, I had finally found my niche with how to be a wife and mom and still take care of myself. I would go to the YMCA for exercise and a hot shower. My family and friends were willing and even eager to watch the boys for me if I needed to get some things done or have some time to refresh. Jason and I would go on dates to reconnect. Until Zeke was born, I still worked part-time as a nurse or teaching nursing. I had many ways to get out of the house when needed, take the boys places, and spend lots of time with people.

Here in Cameroon, I am going to be forced to rely even more on community. I can’t put the boys in the jogging stroller to get exercise, or just go to the Y and put them in childcare for an hour or so to workout and take a shower. Sticking them in their carseats and driving somewhere for fun, a visit, or just to get out is no longer an option. I can’t even buy “groceries” alone with the boys. The market is a 5-10 minute walk (or 30 with Nathaniel walking :) ), but I don’t have any way to take care of both boys and carry all the food back by myself. The people here have been extremely welcoming, but it is going to take some time to know them well enough to just drop in randomly when I need to talk or get out of the house. All of this to say... I am being humbled and challenged to live way out of my comfort zone and to rely on other people much more than I want to!

The past few days I have been reading a book off and on called “Desperate: Hope for the Mom who needs to breathe” – by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson

One of the pages I read this morning jumped out at me...

“One of the marks of a godly woman is that she takes responsibility for her soul’s need for joy and delight. A woman is a conductor, who leads the orchestra of her surroundings in the songs and music of her life. God is a God of creativity and dimension, and so He is pleased when we co-create beauty in our own realm, through the power of His Spirit. It was a profound realization when I understood that I could become an artist with my very life. I was responsible to do what I needed to do to last on this long road of motherhood. There was some point in my life when I accepted that no one else was going to take responsibility for me, and if I didn’t take care of myself, my soul would die a slow death by exhaustion, boredom, loneliness, and mediocrity.” (Sally Clarkson)

Wow. I feel like I am constantly waiting for other people – my husband, friends, family, or even strangers – to reach out and meet my needs.  If you read the rest of this chapter, Sally is not saying we should live an independent and self-sufficient life. She is saying that it is our responsibility to seek the Lord and reach out to those around us in order to have our own needs met and therefore meet the needs of others. I can’t take care of my boys well and be the wife, mother, sister, and friend that God has called me to if I don’t live in dependence on the Lord and others. God is reminding me again that He has created us for community, but WE are the ones responsible to engage in that community – it will not just magically find us.

These are hard but somehow encouraging thoughts for me today. It challenges me to get off my couch and clean while the boys are napping, to try to create some order and beauty in this mess. Life is not going to just happen the way God intends for it to. Everything must be done intentionally and on purpose – even fun and relaxation!

In summary, please be encouraged to know that we are just like you and are on a major learning curve in this journey of life. We are not special people to have come to Africa, just willing to learn and grow and be wherever the Lord calls us.

Please pray that we will have patience and grace with the boys, each other, and ourselves.

Pray that Jason and I will stay well connected as busyness and challenges kick in. Pray that we will engage well with the community around us.

Pray most of all that we will be in tune with the Lord and HIS agenda for each day.

Thank you for reading, praying, supporting, and loving us! We are praying for you all as the Lord brings you to mind and we love you so much! !(Nathaniel and I have started praying out loud for people in the mornings and he helps name people that we should pray for... :) )

I will attempt to post a few pics if our internet will allow!

Much love,

    Meridith