Life Today

Once again I am sitting down while a million things need done around me. Sometimes I just have a compulsion to write…

I have been fighting all morning. Fighting against doing the tedious and repetitive things that need done once again. Laundry that needs folded, dishes that need put away, diapers that need washed, floors that need swept, mopped, and vacuumed, mail that needs sorted, and bills that need paid. Not to mention the deep cleaning I was hoping to do this week – tear down cobwebs, wash windows and blinds, and finish cleaning out cluttered spaces. I struggle with a chronic problem of procrastination. It is so easy to put off tasks that I don’t want to do until they absolutely have to be done and I am rushing around once again to complete them. Sometimes I put them off for good reasons, such as being there for a friend who needs to talk, or helping out with a more important need. However, when I put them off on a day like today where I am instead reading the news, watching movie trailers, and checking facebook – it is time to get busy.

Perhaps this moment of writing is another form of procrastination, but I think part of my problem today is that I am trying to run away from processing this past week’s challenges. So for good or bad, here is today’s post…

Wednesday was my last shift in the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) as a nurse. I have been working there since January of 2009 and I am going to miss it. It has been the hardest job of my life, but it has also contained some of the most meaningful moments I have experienced. Being with children and their families when the children are critically ill or dying is hard to explain to people who have not experienced it. It can be so incredibly painful yet so amazingly beautiful at the same time. Nearly every shift I have worked has helped me put life back into proper perspective. These children and their families have often drawn me closer to the heart of God. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, He sees them and cares. He offers peace when nothing else could give it. He holds people as they cry and then holds me as I attempt to let go of all I have seen and experienced. He works miracles. He also allows things to happen that don’t make sense.

I have had to wrestle with many deep questions through this job about suffering, pain, the sovereignty and goodness of God, death, life, and family. Some days I leave feeling confused and weak. Other days the Lord gives me a strength and peace so far beyond myself.

Wednesday was a hard day. I left my shift unable to wrap things up the way I wanted. The one request of my patient’s family was one I couldn’t make happen. There was nothing I could do to fix the situation or eliminate the pain. It was a hard way to leave.

My reasons for leaving at this time are many. The primary one is that I have been struggling for a while now to keep up with all that the ICU requires. There are constant changes and new things to learn. I have been working only two to three shifts per month since Nathaniel was born so that I can mostly be caring for him. In order to be a good ICU nurse, I have felt like I need to work more often to keep up with things, or go ahead and resign for this season of life at least.

A few months ago we started talking with some friends of ours about their baby that was about to be born. The parents are both full-time doctors and weren’t sure what they wanted to do for childcare for their little man. After talking, thinking, and praying about it, Jason and I offered for me to nanny for their little boy. This helps them out, while also giving me an opportunity to bring in some income while staying home with Nathaniel. I also liked the idea of Nathaniel and I both adjusting to having another baby around. Because this new responsibility will be about 50 hours a week, I felt like it was not the right time to increase my shifts in the PICU, therefore choosing to resign instead.

Another reason for this decision is that my long-term goals in nursing are in the direction of teaching. I had the privilege of teaching clinicals for nursing students in January and February of this year and I loved it. There is an opportunity to possibly teach again this fall. Since it is only once a week for 6 or 7 weeks, my mother has agreed to watch both boys on the days I would teach. This seems like it could be a great arrangement for still having my hand in nursing while working more toward long-term goals. Also, I think I would be able to do this well when only working part-time.

All of these decisions came from a lot of time spent seeking the Lord while in Kenya. Sometimes it is easier for me to think, pray, and re-prioritize when I am away from everything. One day in our little apartment there, I wrote down all of the things that I am committed to and involved in. I then asked the Lord to show me, which things He wanted me to be doing, and which things I needed to let go of to live a healthy and balanced life. I often feel like society tells me I should be able to do it all… have a strong and growing career I love, advance my knowledge by continuing my formal education, be a refreshed, energetic, and healthy wife and mother who provides organic meals and has a clean and welcoming home, maintain strong friendships, excel at DIY projects and creative hobbies, be involved in ministries to the needy, and also have time to rest and care for myself. (Does anyone else ever feel these expectations or is it just me?!)

All this to say, I have been wrestling through letting go of the expectations of myself or society and instead seeking what the Lord is calling me to do with my time and life – especially in this current season (it all belongs to Him anyway!). I wish I could say that this process is now wrapped in a pretty little package with a bow on top. It is an every day struggle to prioritize the needs of people, my home, my family, myself. It is a moment-by-moment decision to live in dependence on God who is infinitely wiser than any of us could ever hope to be. I keep asking Him to help me. I know that I need to seek Him first every day. Like today, I often fail in this pursuit. However, He is giving me the grace to run to Him and try again.

I am realizing more and more that I desperately want God to give me a numbered list of priorities, things to do, and exactly what to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to every single day. I want Him to tell me specifically what the next step is, while enabling me to live fully in the moment. I want an instant fix to my problems and struggles. I want to wake up tomorrow and be on top of things, never running late or be in a hurry, with an organized, clean, and well-run home. I want to know how to handle Nathaniel’s outbursts and moods. I want to be well-balanced, in shape, and energetic without caffeine… :) The list could go on and on. I want things to be spelled out and clear.

Apparently that is not the way God works. Yes, He is a God of order, perfection, purity, beauty, and wisdom. He is also a God of creativity, joy, wonder, and relationship. He is glorious and longs for us to taste of His glory. He longs for us to know Him and experience Him. He longs for us to live in worship to Him because He knows that is the only thing that will ever satisfy and fulfill us.

Having a day that runs smoothly and perfectly should never be my goal. Having a day where I experience God by living each moment in worship to Him – that sounds much more like His purpose throughout His Word. I wish I was closer to grasping what this practically looks like, but I trust that He will continue to teach and grow me in this as I seek Him.

God calls us to relationship with Himself. He calls us also to relationship with other people. I think that this can often look messy to us. I don’t think He is ever going to spell things out for me in a way where I can even attempt to do things on my own. He wants me in constant dependence on Him. I will never have all the answers or be able to wrap things up the way I want them. What I do have is a Savior who loves me more than I can fathom. I have a Redeemer who walks with me. I have the incredible privilege of living life with the One who created me.

So I am going to do the laundry now. Thank you Lord, for this messy, crazy, beautiful, painful, hard, and wonderful adventure called life.