Where to begin? Let's start here...

It’s time to share more of my story. 

 

I’m beginning to interview people to write up their stories, partially for support for their medical education, and partially because their stories are powerful and can encourage the world. 

 

How can I write up other peoples’ stories, and be unwilling to share my own? 

 

It’s vulnerable, and honestly a bit terrifying. And yet, I’m really sensing God’s gentle but persistent push to share. Oh how I hope it can encourage or help someone else as they live their own story… 

 

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February 14, 2019:

“Whew, at least its’ negative.”                           

“Look again babe.”

 

“Woah, ok, sorry. I’m coming.”

 

Why I decided to send a text message (see above photo) to reveal my last pregnancy to my husband, I have no idea. Who does that?! Anyway, he misread the picture and thought I was reassuring him. Nope… We were both shocked to discover a clear positive. 

 

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Our journey with children began with 3 consecutive miscarriages. The first one occurred just a few months into our marriage, and the other two followed within a year. It was an intense, emotional, and challenging time. By the end of the third miscarriage, my body was thrown into an intense ‘post-partum’ depression, mixed with a whole lot of grief and confusion.

 

Would I ever be a mother?? Isn’t this what everyone has been telling me I’m born to be since I was just a little girl, as I rocked babies to sleep, cared for younger children, and won ‘the best babysitter award’?

What do we do now?
Who am I if not a mother??

 

God was gracious to pry my identity off of motherhood. He revealed Himself to me more and more as I sought Him in desperation and fear. He healed me as I wrestled with Him through my first intense personal experience of suffering and loss. Jason walked graciously beside me through it all… calling to make sure I made it out of bed and had eaten breakfast; turning the shower on and coaxing me inside; blow-drying my hair as I stared blankly in the mirror; taking me out of the house to a nice steak dinner, even though I only ate a few bites and cried the whole way home… 

 

Things got better. 

 

With the gift of medication, the support of counselors and friends, routine, good food, exercise, fresh air, and time… the sun came out again. The fog began to clear, and I began to heal. I could see light again. Whether or not I ever got to hold and raise my own children, I was somehow going to be ok. 

 

And then things changed. 

 

Over the next 5.5 years, God gave us 4 amazing children… Three incredible little boys, and one precious baby girl. 

The miracle they are is never lost on us. Each one has their own wildly unique personality and looks. While I carried and birthed these four treasures, we moved internationally 4 times, adjusted and readjusted to cultures and communities, and held onto God for dear life through the whirlwinds of change. 

 

Enter the positive pregnancy test announced by text message… 

 

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We had but 10 minutes to talk about our newly discovered secret, as we were heading to our afternoon of French language classes. However, it was Valentine’s Day and we had a babysitter arranged for the evening, along with reservations at a local restaurant, about 20 minutes up the mountain road. 

 

As we pulled up to the picturesque French chalet turned restaurant, snow and ice covered the parking lot. Jason held my arm to keep me from slipping as we entered the front door. The warmth and welcome of a brightly burning fireplace, along with the most delicious aromas of roasted meats and melted cheeses, invited us to exhale and relax. 

 

We sat down, looked at each other, and I smiled as Jason squeezed my hand. 

 

“It’s going to be ok babe.", I said softly but firmly. 

"God has brought us this far. He will either heal my body of my pregnancy struggles, or he will give me the strength to do it again through pain and discomfort. God has been speaking to me about healing and life. This baby is from Him. Maybe this is the life and healing He will bring into our home.”

 

Solemn and silent, Jason finally replied.

 

“I know this baby is from Him. I know He will give us the strength. I just can’t imagine how we are going to add another one right now. We barely have the capacity for the 4 we have.”

 

“I know.”, I said quietly. 

 

I had just weaned our daughter and had been feeling guilty that I was glad to be done with breastfeeding and pregnancy for a little while. It had been 7 years straight of my body either pregnant, breastfeeding, or both at the same time. I felt strongly like I needed a break, and Jason and I had talked extensively about it. So why an unexpected pregnancy now? 

 

“It must be Gabriel.”, I softly added. 

 

We both felt strongly that we were going to have one more son, and we had already chosen his name, Gabriel Adler Axt. 

 

I saw Jason’s face light up.

 

“Yes”, he said. “It must be.”

 

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We drove home through the gently falling snow, feeling a mixture of peace and fear over this new little life. This baby’s due date was the same time we were planning to transition from France to Kenya. There were so many logistics to think through… 

 

Do we go back to the States for longer and have him there? 

Do we go a bit early to Kenya and give birth there? 

How will we do all this while I’m pregnant and we are caring for 4 very small children?

 

For several weeks we didn’t tell a soul. I wasn’t having my typical nausea and exhaustion that I’d experienced with the other pregnancies.

 

“Let’s just wait to tell family after we have the first ultrasound.”, we both agreed. 

(To be continued...)