Within the shore

I stay continually frustrated by the constraints of time. Even as I write this, I am struggling with the tensions of constant interruptions, and the ticking clock. I wake up with the passing of time ruling my thoughts... “I have ____ long to get ____ done.” I go to bed with it continuing... “I have ____ long to sleep before the kids are up again.”

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I was not created to spend my days worrying about ‘to do’ lists, and the passing of time. I’ve been begging God to change my perspective, and help me see differently. I’ve been searching Scripture, and longing to understand, why God even created ‘time’ as we know it. It feels like a constant tension, restraint, and even sorrow. I watch others, and sometimes myself, mourn over our children’s milestones and birthdays, instead of truly celebrating them. I see many of us desperately trying to keep the sand of time from slipping through our fingers. The lie of “there is never enough time to do the things I need to”, runs on repeat in my head. Nearly everything can become a race or competition, with mounting pressure to compete well or win.

There has to be more to life than this. I’m so tired of my days feeling ruled by the ticking of the clock.

My two most frequent responses to this tension are not working...

1.     I try to throw out my ‘schedule’, and instead follow the wind of my emotions. This often leads to even more frustration because I soon start feeling ‘behind’ on most of the things that ‘need’ done, and the tension mounts again.

2.     I try to more tightly ‘schedule’, so that I can fit in all the things that we need and want to do. This also leads to tension, because I’m unable to control all the interruptions and changes that my season of life constantly brings. My patience wanes, my eyes return to the clock, and my soul wallows in frustration.

Oh how I long to see and live differently...

I see endless piles of laundry: I want to see the provision of clothing.

I see the suitcases still unpacked: I want to see the adventures we had together.

I see the mess of toys everywhere: I want to see the joy of play.

I see the trash that needs taken out and the sink full of dirty dishes: I want to see meals shared and meaningful work.

I see the dusty furniture and the floor that still needs cleaned: I want to see the gift of this house and the comforts of even a temporary ‘home’.

I see another dirty diaper and children fighting sleep: I want to see the grace and mercy that are my daughter and sons.

I see my unmet desires for more exercise, rest, and time to myself: I want to see the souls in front of me, and the amazing gift it is to be their mother.

Although I often see the latter things, I too often focus on the former.

Oh Lord, burst wide open the doors and windows of my mind and heart. Change the way I see – the way I think...

What if?...

Time is not a cage; it’s simply the water around an island. It is the boundary in which I live, for this short season called life. Someday I will ride a boat from the island to the mainland, and its magnificence will be beyond my comprehension. The beauty on this island is only a tiny taste of the grandeur of beauty to come. The water that surrounds this temporary home is only a periphery. Within these shores, I am able to run wild and free. I am able to do all that my Creator intends for me while here. I am able to work, and rest, and play, and create, and eat, and love, and enjoy. Time does not hold me captive, it simply holds me here. And here is where I am meant to be. When my Maker means for me to be on the mainland, He will send the boat to take me there.

Dear God, help me to stop fighting against the shores you’ve placed me within. Help me to stop raising my fists to the tide, and yelling at the waves. Help to instead see the beauty and gifts around me. Help me to live in gratitude and praise. Help me to fully live this life – here and now. Change my thinking. Change ME. Let me live freely within the limits YOU have placed. Let me live IN YOU.