Merciful Exchange

We just moved into our third home in three months. All we own fits into a minivan and small trailer. We are continuing full speed ahead as we step into each new day.

I feel like I’m spinning in the midst of the whirlwind that is our life. Not only is there no ‘slowing down’ on the horizon, but it feels like the wind is picking up. The waves feel high and heavy today. I am often drenched and breathless, longing for a break in the storm.

We’ve been trying to catch our breath from yet another move, and my words of frustration the past few days might have included...

“I don’t know why I’m even working to make this into ‘home’ for all of us, when we will barely get to live in it anyway.”

“Why should I even go to the grocery store, there isn’t any time to cook.”

My dear husband graciously said nothing, and just let me rant a bit.

To clarify two things here... This house is an incredible blessing to us (as was the last one), and the month of May was full of great times with family and friends here in Nashville. I’ve been doing really well overall, and we’ve been enjoying the days. However, the past few days since our move, I’ve been tense, emotional, and a bit irrational at times. It took me some time with my Bible, journal, and listening to the Holy Spirit today, to realize that I am again grieving...

This verse hit me like a rock this morning... “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whosoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” ~ Matthew 10:37-39

God has been convicting and wooing me in the issue of trust lately. He’s been calling me into an ever-deeper faith and belief in Him. I’ve been hearing His loud whispers in my ear once again,

“Do you trust Me?”

“I am healing you.”

“I AM Life.”

“Do you trust Me??”

My answers have varied from an emphatic and strong,

“Yes!” to,

“I want to!” to,

“Please help me!”

---

Right now, I desperately want time to stop. I feel like begging God for the sun and moon to just stand still for a while. My expectations for this summer were ridiculous and over the top, as they usually are, and I am left with moments of intense disappointment and grief, along with moments of panic. I’m longing for still summer evenings, stargazing, catching fireflies with my kids... lemonade on the back porch with friends and family members, deep and unhurried conversations with those I love... time to cook, build routines and traditions for ourselves and our children, and just be... time to write, think, pray, and sing... time to dance, play, talk, and listen... time to decorate our home, plant some flowers, and dig in roots... to establish regular community that we can know, and who really know us... to take long walks, ride our bikes, and go camping under the stars... to hike mountains, splash in a creek, and lay in a hammock...  

Our current reality is paperwork, emails, visa applications, presentations to prepare and give, traveling to see people and reconnecting over a meal – only to realize we probably can’t get together again for a long time... It almost feels like a tease – reconnecting with people we love for only a moment... everything feels too short, not enough... quick meals, quick visits, a full calendar, desiring to squeeze in just one more person and one more thing... hours in the car, with our babies strapped in their seats... packing and unpacking – again and again...

My longings, and our reality, feel again like a dichotomy. God is telling me to take down the wall that separates them in my mind. Many of my longings can be included in my reality with some creativity and determination.

However, my longings, like everything else, MUST be surrendered to my Maker. The truth is, when I take up the cross of Christ, I can hold nothing back. I can’t choose to pick up only a piece of the cross He offers. The cross He offers is HIMSELF, but it requires ALL of me. This trade is more worthwhile than we can ever begin to comprehend. His life for mine. My life for His. It’s the most beautiful exchange imaginable.

So do I trust Him? Do I truly believe that if I hold nothing back – my family, my longings, my time, my schedule, my relationships, my reputation, my very self – that I will find my life in His?

I do believe it. I believe that laying everything at the foot of the cross is the only way to find real life and peace. Because it is found only in HIM. Another passage that struck me today...

“Come, let us return to the LORD; for He has torn us, that He may heal us; He has struck us down, and He will bind us up. After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will raise us up, that we may live before Him. Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; His going out is sure as the dawn; He will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth... For I desire mercy and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.” ~ Hosea 6:1-3, 6

God desires for us to KNOW HIM. His longing is for our return, our healing. He wants us to LIVE, to press on, and to rest in the security of His presence. He desires and gives mercy. He is pursuing our souls, and in return gives Himself.

What a beautiful and amazing mercy. What extravagant grace. And oh, what a humbling perspective shift...

So today, right now, I am on my knees again. Face to the floor, hands open to the sky.

“Show me Lord. Show me where we need to make changes, and where I need to give up my desires. Show us who and what to prioritize in this busy season. Keep us from missing YOU. Keep us from missing Your Presence and Provision in our midst. Keep us in praise, gratitude, contentment, and joy. Keep us unhurried. Fix our gaze on what matters most, and let the rest fall out of view. YOU are what we need. YOU are what we’re longing for. Let us know and experience You more each day. Let us lead our children to this great exchange of their life for Yours, by living it ourselves.”