What do you do?

- What do you do when your life-long dream is being ripped out of your hand?

- What do you do when it feels so dark you can’t even take a breath?

- What do you do when all your hopes keep turning to dust and blowing away in the wind?

- What do you do when this is supposed to be the happiest season of your life, and instead you feel numb?

- What do you do when people’s words just make the ache deeper?

- What do you do when you can’t fix yourself, and you’re afraid you might never be well?

- What do you do when your life is such a mess that all you can do is escape?

- What do you do when you want healing, but it feels too overwhelming to even take a step toward it?

- What do you do when the emptiness and ache seems endless?

- What do you do when no one seems to understand?

- What do you do when you feel trapped in the life you have, while it’s far from the life you want?

- What do you do when completely overwhelmed with fear, or heartache, or loneliness, or loss, or pain, or an unexplainable darkness?

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The above situations are all current realities for close friends and family members of mine. Jason and I are in a season of many longings and hopes fulfilled, and many bright dreams ahead of us. Yet many people I love are in the midst of intensely painful and impossibly hard times. It is so confusing to feel SO many different emotions every day...

~ The joy of holding my beautiful baby girl, while watching my three handsome little boys running through the grass.

~ The sorrow of my sister and her husband losing their fourth baby, before ever holding any of their children in their arms.

~ The amazement of watching our financial needs for returning to Cameroon slowly dwindle, as people generously give.

~ The pain of watching friends and family struggle financially, emotionally, and relationally.

~  The humbling grace of watching detail after detail fall into place for our future.

~ The confusing and heart-wrenching ache of seeing those I love battling hard seasons and circumstances. 

~ The peace and joy found in slow but steady personal growth.  

~ The helplessness of being unable to fix the sorrow and pain of others.

~ The knowing that ALL I have been given is an absolute mercy and grace from the hand of God.

~ The trusting that ALL will be used for ultimate good in the life of those who love God.

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SO much beauty and SO much heartbreak, all in the same season, has me feeling like I’m living on a ship at sea. The days go from intense storms, to incredible calm, to gentle but constant wind. My scattered thoughts and emotions need constant grounding. I’m learning to run continually to the arms of my Maker – my only Rock and Refuge. I’m learning to lean into Him while I ride the waves of emotions. And in this place, I feel Him carrying me, as I pray for Him to carry those I love.