Slow growth

Wow. The first two and a half weeks of this New Year have already proved my ‘focus word’ for the year to be quite challenging.

Week 1 was spent fumbling for my footing as a mother of four, with my husband away, my 3 week old going through a growth spurt and nursing non-stop, and my 2 year old clinging to me and having constant emotional outbursts. (SO thankful for the help of family and friends these past few weeks!!)

Week 2 was calmer as Jason was home, and the boys and baby settled out a lot. I also had a few quiet hours to breathe and recharge.

Week 3 has been a roller coaster of good moments and bad ones so far. My 2 year old got so angry one day that he held his breath until he passed out in my arms. A few days later my 3.5 year old got so angry that he vomited from screaming so hard. Both of these boys are fiercely independent and strong-willed, while so emotional and in need of affirmation and guidance at the same time. My 5 year old wants to help and fix things – for his brothers and me. As a similar personality, I know firsthand the many issues that can come from his tendencies, even though they are thoughtful and well intentioned...

I feel incredibly inadequate in loving and leading my boys well right now. With the normal needs of my newborn baby girl added into the mix, I am often overwhelmed at how to care for them all, along with myself. Yet at the same time, there have been so many moments of growth for me personally...

When I take a deep breath and stay calm while talking my toddler through his strong emotions.

When I choose intentionality, love, and grace, instead of selfishness and anger.

When I start the day by leading my children and myself to the foot of the cross, and fill our sleepy minds with nuggets of truth to guide us.

When I choose to read a good book instead of scrolling mindlessly through social media.

When I let go of my ridiculous expectations and speak kindly to myself instead.

When I say ‘yes’ to the most important things, because I’ve said ‘no’ to the many other things competing for my time and attention.

I have SO far to go in making the above steps consistent. Just this week I have screamed at my boys (about controlling their anger... 😞 ), sat them in front of TV shows too many times, beat myself up, been driven by other people, and battled impossible standards. However, in the midst of it all, I am taking slow and steady steps in the right direction. Motherhood is stretching and growing me in ways that I never knew how much I needed. God is incredibly gracious and gentle and loving with me. I came across this verse this morning and have been dwelling on it all day...

“Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in You I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul.” – Psalm 143:8

While books, podcasts, and advice are helpful, GOD is the only one who knows my children (and me) inside and out – in the deepest places where we don’t even know ourselves. So only HE can know what my children need in each situation.  Only HE can give me the direction, strength, and grace to choose love. As I struggle through my role in this beautiful and complex relationship with God, two things stood out to me this morning as I begged God for love. I am called to KNOW and BELIEVE the love that God has for me...

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” – 1 John 4:16

I am reminded again today that my primary role as a mother is not to be the perfect example of love for my children – but to lead them to the Only One who IS.

I can’t make my children believe anything. My role is to grow in my own walk with God, and then lead them to discover and know God for themselves as they grow.

As I know and believe God more, specifically His mind-blowing love for me, I will naturally grow more into who He has created me to be. Over time, I will slowly morph into the woman and mother that my children need. And when I fail them – as I will as long as I’m on this side of heaven – they can know and run to the ONE who will never fail them. He will always love them perfectly and wholly. He will always know what they need.

It is in these truths that today I rest. I rest in the belief and first-hand experience of God’s love. I rest in God being enough for me – and for my children. I rest in the truth that HE is greater than anything, and that HE is on our side. I rest in the fact that He will continue His work in us as long as we live.  And finally, I rest in the truth that His arms are available every moment as our refuge and strength.