In Between

I started writing this blog post a half dozen times in the past several weeks. Two partially written drafts are saved on this computer. Yet here I am, finally sitting in the silence of a quiet house, sunshine coming through the window, and I am starting over... I need to freshly work out my jumbled thoughts and anxious heart, because I un-expectantly crashed today. This has been the second time this week that strong emotions and severe reactions have blindsided me. Jason finally has a weekend off work, and we enjoyed a lovely date together last night for the first time in months. I was feeling encouraged and energized for these last few weeks of fellowship and pregnancy. Then this morning...

I awoke feeling tense and disoriented. A fog hung over my mind, as a cloud of frustration and fear followed me around. I’ve been so excited about this coming month... our newest baby’s birth, Jason completing fellowship, celebrating the holidays... But suddenly everything felt overwhelming and frightening.

·      “How am I going to adjust to so many changes at once again?”

·      “How will we enjoy and celebrate holidays and family when I’m trying to recover and care for a newborn, while still managing the three boys and our home?”

·      “Will it really be restful and celebratory, or will it just be stressful?”

·      “What if all the emotions of the past couple years come rushing in, instead of the peace and joy that I’m longing for?”

·      “What can / should I even hope for??”

After climbing back in bed, crying out the pent up emotions, and sleeping a couple more hours, I finally picked up my journal and Bible and began pouring it all out to God, and asking Him to fill me up with truth and hope.

And He met me there.

He reminded me...

·      HE is my Maker

·      HE is rest

·      HE is hope, peace, and refuge

·      HE is the stability of my times

·      HE is the adventure

·      HE is freedom

·      HE is full life, satisfaction, and purpose

As long as I have HIM – I have all I need. And I always have Him – every moment, of every day, of every season.

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Maybe you are also in a hard ‘in between’ season. Maybe you’re in the midst of a job change, a move, or a new or coming baby. Maybe you’ve just lost a relationship or person that you love deeply. Maybe you’ve just entered a new relationship or season of life. Or maybe you’re waiting and longing for your current season or struggle to change. Whatever your situation, if you find yourself at an ‘in between’ time of waiting, anticipating, or trying to adjust to major change, the stress and frustration can feel completely overwhelming.

I’ve always been someone who loves adventure and change, but our last huge transition two years ago left me breathless for a while. Moving back to the States from Cameroon, and then adding new baby, new city, and new job for Jason at the same time, took me quite some time to process and adapt to. I feel like I’m just starting to find a bit of balance and rhythm with our three energetic boys, our new quest of homeschooling, and all the rest of life. And now everything is about to change again...

The past several weeks have found me in a rough place of comparison, complaining, discontentment, grasping for control, and trying to escape the tension. All of these become vicious loops that can cause increased anxiety, insomnia, exhaustion, and stress.

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I am right in the struggle with you dear friends. Yet here is my encouragement to you and myself today:

·      We have ALL we need IN THE MIDST of the ‘in between’ seasons and tensions of life.

·      We don’t have to escape the tensions – we can face them with courage and hope.

·      We don’t have to live in the vicious loops we create that threaten to destroy us.

·      We don’t need more control, or a different life, in order to live fully.

What we need is for the One who knows us better than we know ourselves to pick us up, turn our face to His, and tell us He loves us and is with us. And then we need to believe it – really believe it. We need to lay our head against His chest and breathe in His scent. We need to feel His arms around us and rest in the utter security that His embrace brings. We need to let all of our weakness fall into His strength. We need to let go of all that we are trying to carry and lay it at his feet, climb into His lap, and listen to His words. They truly are life.

Because as cliché as it all might sound, our hope is not found in a change of season, more knowledge or control of the future, or tensions easing. Our hope and rest are found in God alone.

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My soul finds rest in God alone

My rock and my salvation

A fortress strong against my foes

And I will not be shaken

Though lips may bless and hearts may curse

And lies like arrows pierce me

I’ll fix my heart on righteousness

I’ll look to Him who hears me

Oh praise Him hallelujah

My Delight and my Reward

Everlasting never failing

My Redeemer my God

Find rest my soul in God alone

Amid the world’s temptations

When evil seeks to take a hold

I’ll cling to my salvation

Though riches come and riches go

Don’t set your heart upon them

The fields of hope in which I sow

Are harvested in heaven

I’ll set my gaze on God alone

And trust in Him completely

With every day pour out my soul

And He will prove His mercy

Though life is but a fleeting breath

A sigh too deep to measure

My King has crushed the curse of death

And I am His forever

O praise Him, O praise Him

Hallelujah, hallelujah

--- “Psalm 62” by Aaron Keyes