Imperfect Success

As I stretch, I groan. As I soften, I sigh. As I mature, I cry out in the pain and discomfort of it all.

God is doing something big in this small heart of mine. He is stooping down and taking me deep into the dirt of lifelong issues, and revealing some of their roots. It’s painful and exhilarating at the same time. I beg for change, even while I yell for Him to stop. It’s too hard. It hurts too much. I often feel confused and tangled up – as soon as one root is overturned, another is revealed.

Many people see Jason’s work schedule and discipline, our semi-orderly house, our three beautiful boys, and our social media posts, and they think that life is good and easy for us.

I must tell you... Life is good. But life is also hard.

Most people don’t see the ways I wrestle as a wife, mom, and friend. They don’t see the insecurities, fears, struggles and pain. Most people don’t see me yell at my children, sob on Jason’s shoulder, quote Scripture aloud through a battle with anxiety, or try to carry what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders when those I love are hurting. They don’t see the grief I’m trying to understand, the fears of future transitions, or the struggles with self-condemnation. Many people don’t know that I am just as fallen and flawed as the next person.

I’m not ‘super-mom’. I’m not an amazing wife. I’m not a ‘super-spiritual’ missionary to be put on a pedestal.

But you know what God is showing me?

I am HIS. He’s got me. He’s not letting me go –- ever.

And you know what else?

I am SUCCEEDING.

Not perfectly. Often not prettily. But I am succeeding.

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A few weeks ago I was busy with my evening routine – cleaning up from dinner, picking up the house, and playing over in my head all that I had failed to accomplish that day.

The Lord suddenly interrupted my thinking with words spoken so strongly in my heart that they were nearly audible...

“What if I told you that you are succeeding?”

I immediately stopped and leaned against the kitchen counter to catch my breath.

“What?!!” “Lord, how could you say that?? I’m feel like I’m constantly failing!”

“What if I promised you that you are succeeding, and that you will succeed?”

Jason walked into the kitchen right as my tears started forming. Because he knows me so well, he simply held out his arms. As he held me, I let my tears go.

Could I really be free from this gripping fear of failure??

Could it be true that I am succeeding in what really matters, even if I can never measure up to the standards I set for myself??

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‘Success’ in our cultural context in the western, developed world, usually involves wealth, beauty, power, or fame (or all of the above). As with SO many things, Jesus turns this idea on its head. He says the ‘blessed’ are the poor, hungry, weeping, and reviled (Luke 6:20-23). He continually speaks throughout Scripture about a ‘success’ that looks much different than our own ideas.

Was Jesus ‘successful’? He lived until he was 33 years old and then was crucified by the very people He created. All of his followers initially fled in fear. One of them personally betrayed him while the others hid themselves for safety.

Yet Jesus was the most ‘successful’ person who ever lived in the eyes of God. Before He even began His ‘ministry’, His Father was perfectly pleased with Him (Matthew 3:17) He accomplished everything He came to do (John 19:30). He defeated death, and obtained our redemption!  

I’ve been asking Christ to redefine ‘success’ for me. I’m seeking Him through His Word, prayer, counseling, and His Spirit. I’m asking Him to untangle my messed up mind. I’m asking for freedom from fear and anxiety.

Although emotions will come and go, I don’t want to be controlled by them. I am in the grip of God. I want HIM alone to control my mind and heart.

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When we left for Cameroon, I asked the Lord for a verse or passage of Scripture to focus on while we were there. He gave me (us) 1 Corinthians 2:1-5. During the 15 months in Cameroon, we literally lived out these verses that were written by the Apostle Paul over 2000 years ago. These verses came alive as we walked them. Their truth will be forever burned in our hearts.

As we moved to Kansas City, I asked the Lord for another passage of Scripture to learn and hold onto for this season. This time He gave me Joshua 1:5-9.

I was immediately confused because while the 1 Corinthians deals with us walking humbly - in weakness and fear, Joshua is being commissioned to walk in strength and courage.

I soon noticed however that God’s words to Joshua “Be strong and courageous”, are always before or after the phrase

“I will be with you.”

“I will not leave you or forsake you.”

“I am with you wherever you go.”

Joshua’s strength and courage were not found in himself, but in GOD. This was also true of Joshua’s ‘success’.

God tells Joshua to meditate day and night on His words, and to follow Him fully, and THEN he would have good success (vs. 6-8). This ‘success’ for Joshua was in leading the people of Israel into the land God had promised them.

So what is ‘success’ for me?

I’m not completely sure yet. God is changing my thinking as he reveals many lies and idols of my heart right now. He is slowly teaching and growing me.

I want to do a series of “mini posts” in the coming days and weeks as I learn more. Some of them will be in story form – sharing ways that my ‘imperfect’ turned into ‘success’. Some will be sharing Scriptures or truths that have come alive for me recently. Some might come out in poems or songs. I hope that they encourage anyone reading this in some small way.

I will leave you with one thing I’m learning right now...

If in EVERYTHING, I run to Jesus – I am succeeding. The only true failure is when I hide in guilt and shame instead of running to the cross. This is what Jesus died for! He died and then defeated death - so that in spite of our failures and sin, we can succeed in Him.

Here’s an example from this morning:

I just found out our air conditioner is broken and won’t be looked at until tomorrow afternoon – it is hot and humid, all three babies are crying, and I just yelled at my toddler again for hitting his brother (it’s only 8:30am). The primary stressor behind all of this is that I’m hurting badly for a friend in pain that I love and can’t be with, and I just took it out on my kids.

This is a messed up moment – my sin, my son’s sin, the pain and brokenness of my friend and this fallen world... I’m feeling like a failure as a friend, mom, and daughter of God.

But then I run to Jesus. I ask for the boys’ forgiveness for yelling harshly, we talk and pray together, I take them to my neighbor’s house for a little break, and then I get on my knees and cry out to God for my hurting friend (and for the redemption of myself and this world). I sing, cry, and pray it all out to my loving Father. He sees, knows, cares, and is above it all. He takes the weight off my shoulders and carries it Himself - - confusion, anger, guilt, shame, and discouragement. HE TAKES IT.

I am free. I am succeeding. Because I am covered by Christ. HIS success becomes my own.

Oh dear friends, and anyone reading this. How can you apply the truth of God’s sovereignty and grace in your life right now? He is so much bigger than our failures!! I can only grasp the tiniest piece of this truth, but it is changing me.