Fear & Rest

Today I am afraid. I am looking too far down the road at a looming unknown future and I am scared. For most of my life I have desired and prayed to become a medical missionary, a wife, and a mom. I have now been given the incredible privilege of being Jason’s wife and the amazing joy of being Nathaniel’s mom. I am so overwhelmingly grateful for these gifts. Now we are facing many different possibilities of where we could be next year. One of the options is scaring me today. We applied with Samaritan’s Purse Post-residency program. We have an interview a little over a week from now. If they choose us, it would mean that we would go overseas for two years. The idea is for this to be a transition or jump-start into a long-term career in medical missions. We could go to many different places with this program – Cameroon, Ethiopia, Nigeria, Bangladesh, Nepal, Kenya, Tanzania…

While I thought that the idea of being overseas in less than a year from now would thrill me, I now find myself feeling uncertain and fearful of the possible realities that we could face. For most of my life I have been willing and excited to “go”. Right now I desire to remain in the comfort and community that we have here in Nashville. I’m enjoying the coffee dates, trips to the zoo, hiking at parks, spending time at home, and just hanging out with family and friends on a weekly basis. I’m excited to learn to do more DIY home projects and go to flea markets, antique stores, and yard sales with friends. I’m looking forward to spending time with my sisters as we all care for little boys. I love having my parents, grandparents, and brothers all within easy driving distance. We have a blast taking Nathaniel to the pool at the YMCA. With three Y’s in close proximity, we have our pick of conveniences to stay in shape and enjoy ourselves. Jason and I recently made a plan to train for a triathlon. It feels like I’m growing and learning to thrive here. 

So what will it be like when nearly all modern conveniences and comforts are stripped away? Will I adjust well to not having a strong community around me (at least for a while)? Is it really the right thing to move Nathaniel away from his Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, and cousin? Will we still get to enjoy any of our hobbies (hiking, rock-climbing, swimming, camping, etc?) Are we ready to deal with possible isolation, potential sicknesses, learning a new language and culture, living without many comforts, and facing other hardships and suffering that we haven’t even yet thought of? Will we really be able to help people? Will our work really make a difference?

All of these questions and more fill my mind. Because I don’t know the answer to most of these questions, it doesn’t do much good to ask them. Instead of resting and trusting in our Good and Sovereign God, dwelling on these thoughts leads to fear. My mind gets focused on our own abilities instead of on the abilities of our powerful Lord. The truth is…

No, we will never feel “ready”.

No, it will not be easy.

It is not about us anyway.

Anything that God chooses to do with our lives is about His glory. This is sometimes a hard concept to grasp. It is confusing to know how many of the things that we do or go through can bring any glory to Him.

I heard a sermon by John Piper recently in a study on his book called “Let the nations be glad”. In his sermon he talks about the verses in Matthew that say we are to be the light of the world and the salt of the earth. It says “that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven” (Matt 5:16). Piper then asked the question “Why would people glorify God when we do good works, instead of glorifying us?”. This is a really great question and I couldn’t come up with a very good answer. He said the answer was found in the previous verses in the chapter that talk about how those who are persecuted and endure suffering are blessed and will experience joy. Piper then went on to say that the way our good works point to God is when we experience joy in the midst of suffering. He talked about how we should expect suffering (1 Peter 4:12-19) – as a result of this fallen world and as a result of being a Christian. He said that Christ is revealed in us and glorified when we are able to experience His fruits (peace, joy, etc) in the midst of trials, heartache, and other forms of suffering. Without Christ, we will have bitter, angry, sinful responses to all that happens to us.

This is not what I wanted to hear.

I think that Piper has a really great point. However, I don’t like to acknowledge the fact that we will experience suffering as a necessary part of this life on earth. I also don’t like the idea that we can glorify God in our work by the way we live through suffering. Another Piper statement that I often dwell on is “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him”. This perfectly fits with the above ideas. When we are seeking all our satisfaction in God Himself, we will display the fruits of His Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience… (Gal 5). God created us to need Him and find our entire fulfillment in Him. He is glorified when we do this.

These thoughts can either feed or relieve my fear – depending on what I care most about. Do I care most about being comfortable and enjoying life? Do I care most about seeking my fulfillment in people, hobbies, and living in a place that I love? Do I care most about living close to friends and family? Or do I care most about knowing, loving, obeying, walking with, and glorifying my Father?

Really. Hard. Questions.

I want to care most about what God calls me to. I want to care most about being satisfied in Him and bringing Him glory. My struggle is that I also care greatly about so many other things. In my selfishness I want comfort. I want security, friends, ease, fun hobbies, plenty of money, time to myself, etc.

Although it feels like it is going ever so slowly, God is changing me. Even in the past few days since I started writing this post, He is freeing me from so much fear, worry, and unrest about the future. I still struggle. When I start playing the “what if” game in my head, I lose every time. However, He is also showing me that I can rest in His arms because He is all-knowing. He loves me more than I can even comprehend (Romans 8:35-39). He is fighting for both my good and His glory (Rom 8:28).

I came across this verse today in Psalm 118:6 that says

“The Lord is for me; I will not fear.”

Another great reminder this morning (Psalm 177:7)

            “Return to your rest, O my soul, for The Lord has dealt bountifully with you.”

I am trusting once again in God’s heart – for the world and for me; for the future and for today. The words of my mother’s favorite song have been going through my head a lot lately…

“When you don’t understand

When you don’t see His plan

When you can’t trace His hand

Trust His heart”

Thank you Lord, for the grace given to me to trust and rest in You. Thank you that you promise to be with us through whatever you call us to. Thank you that you are near today. Thank you for your overabundant blessings in our lives. Thank you setting us free from the bondage of fear, worry, and trying to be “strong”. Thank you for your never-ending love and peace.

You are Good. You are Love. You are Mighty. You are True.

When fear arises, I choose to trust You – my Redeemer – my Papa – my King.