The Desires of My Heart

I wrote the following on 5/19/11. I came across it today and desperately needed the reminders and re-focus that it gave to me. While it is true that I am again struggling with frustrating circumstances, living in a place of waiting, and longing for things that are not yet, the truth that God is for me (Romans 8:31-32) and that God is with me (Romans 8:9-11) is holding me up. Thank you Lord!

All that I have prayed for and desired I already have.

Lord, my deepest desire is to know you and to know your love and redemption. I know that I am forgiven and redeemed. I know that I am more deeply loved by my Creator than I ever could be by anyone. I forever have the Presence of my Maker – My Savior. He indwells me and my eternal life with Him has already begun! What more could I ask for?!

    And yet, I do ask for more… I ask continually for the things that my heart longs for and desires. These longings and requests are not wrong, but my ultimate joy and satisfaction must be found in God Himself. Only Jesus can fulfill and satisfy my heart.

      The depth of Jesus’ mercy and grace toward me left me overwhelmed and humbled today as I realized that He has given me the deepest desires of my heart.

   I longed to be a wife, and asked God to lead me into a marriage from His hand. He answered my prayer by bringing Jason and I together – in His timing, His way, and for His glory. Jason Axt is more than I ever hoped, dreamed, or prayed for. He is truly beyond what I ever imagined to have in a husband. He daily shows Christ to me in the way He loves and lives. Oh Lord, he is so much more than I could ever deserve – what a gift from Your hand! Thank you…

     Another of my heart’s desires is to be a nurse and missionary. God provided for me to graduate with a bachelor’s degree at the age of 21. I have now worked for 4 years at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country – first working with adults and learning post-surgical care, and now expanding my knowledge and growth to working with children in the ICU. In only 4 years, I have been to Belize, Ghana, Vietnam, and Kenya, and continued to learn more about what it means to be a missionary in the US as well. I have taken a college-level missiology course, and experienced deputation through the lives of close friends. Lord, you are good to me.

    To closely connect with people has for a long time been a prayer and desire of mine. I want to help others, know their hearts, and be involved in their lives. God has given me opportunities in the past few years to do this in ways I never imagined. Walking through personal struggles, trials, and suffering has connected Jason and I with people in ways we never knew could be. I have had more deep discussions, been humbled and helped by others, and developed close friendships in more ways within the past couple of years than ever before. This is only because of Christ.

    The desire of my heart that I have struggled the most with over the past year is the desire to be a mother. I was reminded again today that God has also answered this prayer – even if not in the way I hoped or prayed for. We have three beautiful children in heaven. How do I know they are beautiful?   - Because they are perfect, whole, and at the feet of Jesus. His beauty is reflected onto them and His glory is seen through them. They have never experienced pain, suffering, or sickness – only joy, peace, happiness, and love. What more could a mother ask for her children?! Thank you Lord, for creating these lives and for caring for them for me.

     On top of all these gifts and answers to prayer, God has given me a comfortable and lovely home, the most wonderful family in the world (including my first nephew this past year! J), an awesome church, incredible friends, two cars that run well, good health (most of the time), His Word to know Him more, and most of all – Himself. My Jesus and Savior – to You and Your name be all the glory. Please live through me. Use my life, and all that You’ve given me, for Your purposes.

 You are God. You are Good. To You be the Glory.