Healing. (part 5 of 5)

April 2020:

 

My lowest of lows. The sky is dark again. Getting out of bed feels nearly impossible most days.  My body has healed from the hysterectomy, and yet I STILL have the presence of intense daily pain. 

 

I can’t find hope. 

I can’t do this anymore. 

“Why God?!” 

 

“I trusted You! I went through the pain and confusion of separation from my family, the loss of my uterus, and the slow recovery from surgery. What more do You want from me?!” 

Silence.

Deep, dark silence.

  

“You’re not healing me!”, I yell to the ceiling, to the God who created the skies. 

 

“You’ve been speaking healing and life over me and my family since before I was sick! What are You doing?? You are NOT healing me!!” 

 

And then…. In His graciousness, He broke the silence…

 

“I AM healing you Meridith.”

The Spirit then spoke four specific things being healed in me ~ things that have held me captive my entire life. Then firmly but gently came the words,

"Don't tell me again I'm not healing you." 

 

These words came almost audibly – so clear and firm, yet kind. 

 

For 2 weeks, every time I come to God in prayer, I sit silently before Him. 

There is nothing more to say.

I feel like Job ~ silenced by the grandeur of God ~ silenced by the God of the Universe speaking to me.

 

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Over the next 3 months, I cling to these words. I cling to Hope. I cling to the truth that God Himself is healing the deepest places in me through this illness and pain. 

 

Upon the recommendation of a doctor, I also start an antidepressant.

“After a year and a half of battling through daily, intense pain, there is no way your serotonin levels aren’t depleted.”, he says gently. 

 

The clouds slowly begin to part, and sunlight begins spreading its rays over me again. The pain very gradually lessens in intensity, as I continue stretching twice per day, leaning into deep breathing and relaxation techniques, taking medications, writing, therapy, meditating on Truth, playing piano and singing, hiking, and moving my way through pain.  

 

Jason and the kids notice a change in me. 

 

I am still scared to hope. I’ve been let down so many times.

 

Can I really be healing?? 

 

 

August, 2020:

 

It is the weekend of my 35^th birthday, and we take the kids on safari in the Masai Mara for the first time. I’m able to enjoy two days of bumpy car rides and activities without being in excruciating pain. 

"This is not a dream. I am beginning to heal.” 

 

During this time, I also take a 6-week art course online called “Aperature of the Heart”. Created and led by Joy Prouty, this course is a deep dive into using art as an avenue for healing. This course profoundly impacts my healing journey as I enter so many broken places in me – with God, myself, and others. 

 

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October 27, 2021: 

 

As I write this, I am off medications and nearly pain free most days. For the past year, my pain has been diminishing and my health steadily improving.

 

ALL PRAISE TO GOD!!! 

 

My gut is still healing from the heavy doses of antibiotics I received for almost a year, but there is continual improvement. 

 

My lifestyle has changed dramatically through this journey as I have to manage stress, exercise regularly, stretch daily, process through emotions, eat well, and get adequate sleep in order to function at a ‘normal’ level and live without pain. 

 

I am learning to listen to my body, and care for her with compassion and grace.

It all feels like a gift. 

Throughout the coming days and weeks, I will be sharing art I created during this Aperature of the Heart course, alongside things I’m learning as I heal and grow. 

I hope these pictures and words will encourage you in your own journey with God, yourself, and healing. 

I pray that you will know in the deepest marrow of your bones: 

 

God is FOR you. 

You are NOT alone. 

You are not your illness, weakness, or struggle.

You are LOVED.