Given & Fallen

I've given away another piece of my heart. 

I’ve fallen in love with these people and this place. 

I’m slowly realizing how far I’ve fallen and how big the piece is...

When the sound of my neighbor screaming to God in desperate prayer in the night finds my heart thumping hard and begging the Lord to intervene in her life. 

When I stop almost as frequently as my toddler boys on a walk – just to take in the beautiful scenery around me once again. 

When I hold Nathaniel while both of us cry because we had to say goodbye to a resident’s wife and daughter. 

When I feel like I’m going to burst with joy at an event to welcome new residents, their families, and our first African, PAACS faculty member at Mbingo.

When I’m visiting with a fellow missionary wife and realize that I’m almost in tears again as I talk about the struggles, hopes, and fears of the women around me that I’ve come to know and love in such a short time. 

When I feel sad that so many of the residents and / or their families will be gone when my parents visit in a few weeks - - and how much it matters to me to introduce them. 

When I am overjoyed about my parents’ visit - - wanting to see and spend time with them - - and also desperately wanting them to know a bit of this world that holds a big part of our heart.

When it hurts so deeply to watch the struggles of the residents, their wives and families, and all of the faculty and administration of PAACS (my husband included). 

When I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life.

When I experience such a range of mixed emotions at the thought of leaving in less than 3 months.

When I don’t understand or connect with many issues going on in the US right now – and already feel nervous about the adjustment back ‘home’.   

When I am mesmerized by the waterfalls and mountains around us – again – and very frustrated by my inability to hike into them right now. 

When all of the annoyances and challenges of life here are overshadowed by a deep and abiding peace that we are a part of something much bigger than ourselves and our limited abilities. 

When God speaks to my emotion filled heart and tells me,

“Be still. Now. Just be. Live this moment. Don’t worry about tomorrow, or 3 months from now, or 6 months from now, or 2 years from now... Shh. Rest in Me. Embrace Me and this day I’ve given you. Stop fighting. Feel the pain, and the hard, and the joy, and the fun. Experience all of this life I’ve given you. I’m here. I’m with you. I’m not leaving - ever. I love you.”

God’s words from both Scripture and His Spirit are the air in my lungs right now. Our days here continue to be full, and seem to be moving faster lately. I’m starting to have less physical pain (thank you all for your prayers!) and more energy than in the previous several months. Jason’s discouragement seems to be lifting and his joy and energy are also increasing. As we anticipate the many changes and transitions that are just around the corner, we are excited, nervous, happy, and sad about it all. Please pray for us to be able to live fully where we are each day. Pray for us to love and support each other well through all the ups and downs of this season. And please thank the Lord with us for the daily blessings and grace that continually pour from His hand!