Update, Transitions, & Perspective Change

I wrote this on August 11th but I'm just now getting it posted... 

It has been months now since I’ve written, partially due to the busyness of life and partially because I haven’t known where to start… As most people reading this already know, we had to return emergently to the States, cutting our time in Kenya short by about a month. I plan to write out that story soon. It is still filled with much emotion for me. The summary is that by God’s incredible grace and hand of protection, Jason, Nathaniel, and I arrived home safely, and we are now healthy and gaining strength. Thank you Lord for Your sustaining grace and overwhelming mercy!

The other news I cannot fail to mention is the amazing arrival of our son! Nathaniel Jason Axt was born on June 30^th at 4:45 in the morning! He weighed 7lbs 2 oz and was 20 inches long. We are continually praising God that he is strong, healthy, and absolutely beautiful (I mean handsome J). With the help of God, Jason, and my mother, I was able to labor and deliver naturally, and the highlight of it all was that Jason got to deliver him! (If this concerns you, don’t worry, we were at the hospital and this was planned and approved by our OB :) ) The name Nathaniel means “Gift of God” and Jason means “Healer”. The Lord has given us Nathaniel as an amazing gift that truly belongs only to God Himself. The meaning of his middle name is also very fitting as God has provided so much healing of our hearts and my body through our struggle with miscarriages and depression. Thank you Jesus for all You have done and brought us through! May we never cease to praise you, in both the storms and the sunlight.

My primary motivation for writing this morning is conviction. Something happened last night and this morning that has starkly refocused my heart and mind. I’m realizing again how quickly my perspective gets twisted and needs to be realigned with the perspective of God…

So we are now in the process of settling into a “new normal”, with Jason back in residency and me mostly at home with Nathaniel. Jason and I are so grateful for our son, as well as for the many opportunities God has given us through our jobs and training at the hospital. However, adjusting to this new routine of sorts has been very challenging in many ways. I won’t go into too much detail, but I have struggled a lot with many of the changes that this new season has brought. Anyway…

Last night I went with my sisters to a Kari Jobe concert, which turned out to be an amazing worship service. Jason kept Nathaniel at home, with a back-up plan in place in case he got called in to the hospital. My sisters and I had a great time together – singing in worship at the concert, talking in the car, and getting ice cream on the way home. When we arrived home, Jason was on the phone with someone from the hospital and little Nathaniel was just about ready to eat again. After my sisters left, I finished nursing Nathaniel and then laid him down to sleep. I was really looking forward to spending some time alone with my husband. We hadn’t seen each other very much all week due to work and schedules. Within a few minutes of catching up from the day, Nathaniel woke up and started crying. I checked his diaper and then laid him back down. After just another minute or two, Jason’s phone rang with a call from the hospital about a patient. After handling the call, Jason came back to bed and we talked for a few minutes before Nathaniel cried out again, followed by another phone call. I got the baby settled down for the second time, and while Jason was still on the phone in the other room, his pager started going off. I quickly brought him the pager while praying it didn’t wake the baby. When Jason came back into our room I tried to hide my frustration at all the interruptions.  The patient they kept calling about might need surgery, Jason explained, but he had metastatic cancer with a poor prognosis so it wasn’t clear if surgery was the right thing to do in his case. I felt a twinge of guilt for being annoyed about the phone calls. We said a quick prayer for wisdom for Jason, the patient and his family, and the other doctors.  Within just a moment, the phone rang yet again. This time Jason left the room and I lay there trying to sort through my emotions and thoughts. A few minutes later, Jason came back and said he thought it was best if he went in and talked with the patient and family to find out what they would like to do, and to make sure they were well informed and had their wishes followed. I tried to hide my disappointment as he gave me a quick kiss goodbye.

There have been many such nights since the return of residency and the arrival of Nathaniel. I am so thankful for the opportunity and calling that being a surgeon is, and I am privileged to walk through it with Jason. I am extremely grateful for our precious baby and love him more than I can describe. At the same time however, I miss having uninterrupted time with my husband. I miss being able to talk for hours, hang out together, and just be with each other.

After Jason left I quickly went to sleep, still trying to ignore my frustrated thoughts and emotions.  I awoke around 1am to him coming back to bed. He said that the patient and family decided against surgery.  We talked for a minute and then both fell asleep as I was sure the baby or pager would wake us up soon…

Nathaniel didn’t wake up until almost 5am (his first time sleeping through the night!), and the pager didn’t go off again. After I finished feeding Nathaniel, I held him while Jason quickly ate breakfast and we talked for a minute. As Jason was preparing to head back to the hospital for morning rounds, the phone rang with the news that the patient had died. I heard Jason ask if he went peacefully and without pain and I knew what had happened. Something hit me like a rock. Was I really so self-absorbed that I remained frustrated and annoyed with interruptions that were due to life and death issues? Jason had been selflessly caring for this man and his family during an extremely critical time, while I was home in bed feeling sorry for myself that my husband was not there. There is a family mourning the death of their loved one today. A woman has lost her husband. Children have lost their father. Others have lost a good friend.

My husband is strong and healthy and working hard as I write this. He just called to tell me they are going to the operating room with a patient emergently. This means that we need to change our afternoon plans. I don’t mind as much this time. Yes, it is still frustrating to have constant interruptions and be unable to plan things very well. Yes, I still long for more time together. However, today I am choosing to thank God for all He has given me, while asking His forgiveness for my self-centeredness and pride. I am grateful for my husband and our calling. I am so thankful for our precious son. Most of all, I am grateful for a God who is full of grace and mercy in our weakness.