A reason for being?

Can I slow?

Is it allowed?

What will I say

When asked my reason for being

Not in those words

Of course

But it’s what is meant

Behind the questions

 

What are you doing now?

What are you up to these days? 

How’s all the free time? 

Or awkward silence 

 

It’s a program you know

We are programmed

To believe our worth

Is found in our work

 

If you don’t believe me

Try stopping work for a day

Or a month

You will feel worthless

 

Ask me how I know.

I’ve been sick this week

A fever and virus

I’m getting better

 

But my body remembers

The years of severe pain

And illness

Drowning in shame.

 

When my nursing license expired

For a time

Who am I now?

Oh, a wife and mother.

 

When I couldn’t be present

To my life, my kids, my man

Because of the pain

Wracking my body

 

What am I now?

When homeschool teacher

Is no longer my title

Who am I here? 

 

Oh, I’m a writer

I say

Oh, what are you writing

They ask

 

It’s complicated.

Try explaining who you are

Without using job titles

Or roles.

 

Oh, there are often 

10 children in my home

Most afternoons,

I justify my existence.

 

Oh, we host a lot

And I’m forming deep

Relationships,

There I go again.

 

The statements are true

There is meaning 

In my life

But why must I prove it?

 

What is my reason for being?

I ask myself almost daily

It’s hard

To slow down

 

Ask me how I know.

My attempts at resting, exhaling, and celebrating are WAY harder than I thought they would be. 

 

This brings up SO much junk! 

 

My body, brain, and nervous system are wired for busyness, hurriedness, and survival by fitting into the programs and status quo. So in my attempts to rest, I feel anxiety, restlessness, fear and dread. I know I’m not alone in this! 

 

So my body did it for me this week – it forced rest. I caught a virus with fever from the kids and was in my bed for a couple days. I’ve been slowly recovering but it knocked me down hard. I’ve been needing almost daily naps just to get through and am ready for bed before my children.  

 

I feel more like myself today, but it’s left me wondering. 

 

What now? 

 

Can I take the space for slowness, stillness, rest, and celebration? 

Am I allowed?

Is it safe??

 

These are the real questions because our nervous systems are wired for safety. Our bodies and brains like to stay in what is most familiar, because it’s where we feel most safe.

 

So if constant work and movement are most familiar? This is where we will usually stay.

If incapacitated by illness? We can sometimes get stuck here.

If proving our worth by our busyness, productivity, and efficiency? We must keep going.

 

Interrupting these patterns is HARD. Re-wiring our brains and bodies is HARD. 

 

Why don’t we talk about this more?? 

 

To get out of my severe pain and illness a couple years ago, I had to interrupt patterns over and over and re-wire everything. I had to teach my body and brain that it was safe to move, safe to feel, safe to eat, safe to rest, safe to relax the tension, safe to be seen, held, and cared for. 

 

This was a LONG and HARD road, but it worked! I am now pain free most days and am doing things I never thought I could – learning to mountain bike, playing sports with my kids, celebrating our anniversary with a triathlon, etc. 

 

Humans are an absolute miracle – wired to heal as we teach ourselves that new patterns can be safe – wired to move from survival to wholeness as we meet ourselves with compassion over and over again. 

 

---- 

So is a little slowness, rest, and celebration allowed for me?

 

Yes. Only and every time I give myself permission. When I convince myself that it doesn’t matter what people think of me. When I validate myself instead of looking for external validation. When I meet my fears, restlessness, and existential questions with 

 

“It’s ok. You are safe here. You are seen, known, and loved.” 

 

It's ok.

You are safe here.

You are 

seen

known

and 

loved.

So in whatever season or struggle you find yourself in, if you need these words today, please claim them as your own:

 

I don’t have to explain my reason for being. 

I can simply be here now. 

I am seen, known, and loved. 

 

This is always true with God.

I can remember now.

Each time I hold myself with compassion. 

 

(repeat as many times as needed)

 

Sending so much love. ♡