My Peace

Deny yourself.   Take care of yourself.

Lose your life.   Possess (or own) the land in which you dwell. 

Give yourself away.   Take up your cross.

Love your neighbor.  As yourself. 

Observe the Sabbath.   For freedom Christ has set us free. 

The above concepts have been spinning in my head and heart for some time now. They are all based on biblical truths that were taught by Christ Himself. 

I’ve struggled for a long time with the concept of ‘self care’ and how it fits with the teaching of Christ to ‘lose your life’ for Him and others. I’ve especially struggled in this season of motherhood with young children. Since being in Cameroon, I’ve grown in my experience of what it means to live in community. This has also added to the confusion of how to meet my own needs, while simultaneously seeking to meet the needs of those around me. 

I’ve observed many different ways of living out these truths within christian circles in my short lifetime. I’ve seen people over-indulge or live in constant comfort under the theme of ‘self-care’. At the same time, I’ve watched many people deplete themselves and their resources in unhealthy ways under the theme of ‘following Christ’. I’ve perceived how both extremes cause great damage to people’s hearts and relationships. 

So how do I properly apply these biblical truths in my own life when they seem to often fight against each other? 

I feel an almost constant tension between how to care for myself well and get necessary things done, and how to give myself away for the Lord and others. 

The ever-shortening length of time left here in Cameroon is adding to this tension right now. I have a long list of things I want to accomplish before we head back to the States and all the new transitions begin. I have an equally long list of people I want to spend time with and invest more in before we go. In the middle of these lists lies the every day things I desire to do and be. The stress and busyness has been wearing on me. When I feel depleted, I immediately blame myself. What am I doing wrong? How should I be taking better care of myself so that I have more energy and patience?

I ran to the Lord the past couple of days with this turmoil in my mind and heart. The many expectations I have for this time and myself were poured out with a paper and a pen. At the end of my pouring I basically asked God for a combined, prioritized list. I asked for Him in His infinite wisdom to help me take the things and people off the list that shouldn’t be on there, and to let things and people who should be first priority to rise to the top. And then I waited... 

Nothing happened. 

Except for the every day busyness, stream of tasks and people, and my continued feelings of exhaustion and confusion about how to live this life the way God intends. 

So today I set aside my lists and I again picked up my Bible. This is what I read... 

“The Lord is exalted, for He dwells on high; He will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and HE will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion’s treasure.” (Isaiah 33:5-6)

“’Ah, stubborn children’, declares the Lord, ‘who carry out a plan, but not mine, and who make an alliance, but not of my Spirit, that they may add sin to sin; who set out to go down to Egypt, without asking for my direction, to take refuge in the protection of Pharaoh and to seek shelter in the shadow of Egypt! Therefore shall the protection of Pharaoh turn to your shame, and the shelter in the shadow of Egypt to your humiliation.”

 (Isaiah 30:1-3)

“For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, ‘In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.’’ (Isaiah 30:15)

“And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever. My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.” (Isaiah 32:17-18)

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

 “And you shall rejoice in the Lord; in the Holy One of Israel you shall glory... that they may see and know, may consider and understand together, that the hand of the Lord has done this, the Holy One of Israel has created it.” (Isaiah 41:16, 20)

The people of Israel sought the comfort and familiarity of their idols and captivity. They continually trusted in the strong horses and chariots of Egypt, instead of in the infinite strength of their unseen God (Isaiah 31:1-3). This idea hit me hard. I think that my current ‘Egypt’ – my place of comfort and familiarity – and even my place of idols and captivity at times – is with my lists and planning / my desire to figure it all out / my constant attempts to do it all ‘right’. I was reminded of something I recently read in Sarah Young’s ‘Jesus Calling’...

“Understanding will never bring you Peace. That’s why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: seeking for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master).” – pg.230

I want understanding. I want mastery. I want my own righteousness. Yet as I seek these things, I find myself in turmoil and bondage. I find myself trying harder to ‘figure things out’, yet feeling more tired and overwhelmed by it all.

God says He wants me to dwell in HIS righteousness – whose effect is peace, quietness, trust, security, and rest. 

God says that He is the stability of my times.

God says that He has an abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge.

God says that fearing Him is my treasure.  

God says that seeking my own plans, apart from His Spirit and plans, brings me to sin, shame, humiliation, and captivity. 

God says that my strength is found, not in what I accomplish, but in quietness and trust.

God says that all my help and glory are found in Him, and the work that HE does in and through me. 

So how do I reconcile the concepts of self-care and self-denial? How do I prioritize my lists of people to invest in, things to do, and things to be? How do I practically live this life well each day that God gives? 

I don’t know.

But I do know WHO I seek. And I know that He will guide me one moment and day at a time. His Spirit is my peace.